The Jokes Thread

[NEB]

I'm gonna stop there for today - I've got litterally stacks of funny material littering my Hard drive. I'll post some more of it if I'm still on the forum tomorrow and not banned! lol

[marval]

Hey Some good material there.
Lets see if I can post this without being banned.


Everybody I know who has a dog, usually calls him Rover or Spot, I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city Hall to renew the dog's license. I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "but she is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said "you don't understand...I have had Sex since I was nine years old". He replied, "you must have been a very strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. he told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said "but Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life, and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked in to the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said "you don't understand...Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest, he said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on tv". he called me a show off

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "your honour, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married." The judge said "me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more darn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day, when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "what seems to be the trouble?"
I replied "Sex has been my best friend all my life, but now it has left me for ever, I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

[marval]

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagara pills to satisfy all 3 of them."

The doctor says "you know 3 Viagara pills 3 nights in a row, is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday, so that I can check you out."

The man say "you have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling

The doctor says "what happened?"

The man answered "nobody showed up."

[marval]

There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes of golf, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them, hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back, the first guy asks what's wrong.
He says "one of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "that could be a problem, I'll go over." he gets about half way there and comes back .
The second guy asks "what's wrong?"
The first guy answers, "small world."

[marval]

Here is some medical terminology.

Artery - Study of paintings
Bacteria - Backdoor of cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - Letter like A.E.I.O.U.
Caesarean section - District in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Make eye contact with her
Colic - Sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
Diarrhea - Journal of daily events
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker
Fibula - A small lie
G.I. series - Soldiers ball game
Grippe - Suitcase
hangnail - Coathook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Intense pain - Torture in a teepee
Labour pain - Got hurt at work
Medical staff - Doctor's cane
Morbid - Higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - Person who had fainted
Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - Favouring young people
Rectum - It almost killed him
Recovery room - Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - Amorous
Scar - Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - Study of knighthood
Tablet - Small table
Terminal illness - Sickness at airport
Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of your out
Varicose - Located nearby
Vein - conceited

[NEB]

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Euros? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Euros."

[NEB]

There was a man driving on along the freeway listening to the radio in a world of his own when a bulletin comes across the radio: "Drivers, be careful, there is car going the wrong way on the freeway". And the man thinks to himself, "What's he talking about, all the cars are going the wrong way"

[NEB]

Q: What are the three thinnest books in the world?

1. A gourmet's guide to English cooking
2. Italian war heroes
3. Gems of American culture

[methodistgirl]

Q: What are the three thinnest books in the world?

1. A gourmet's guide to English cooking
2. Italian war heroes
3. Gems of American culture

I give up!
judy tooley

[NEB]

Depressed Man Diagnosed as "British"

George Farthing, an ex-patriot British man living in America, was
recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't depressed at all - only British.

Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving
late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams."The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.

"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of
"weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad,really".

It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.
Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't
believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a gray little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic
action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an
understanding of the English psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in England and is not seen as pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as English changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New York" T- Shirt

[NEB]

MEDICAL - SPEAK

Said: "Appointment"
Meant: "An opportunity to wait until the doctor feels like seeing you."

Said: "A few more minutes."
Meant: "You have time to read the entire National Geographic."

Said: "Cutting edge procedure"
Meant: "Your insurance won't cover it."

Said: "Discomfort"
Meant: "Pain"

Said: "Procedure"
Meant: "Surgery"

Said: "Fairly Routine Procedure"
Meant: "Major Surgery"

Said: "Routine Procedure"
Meant: "Something experimental and dangerous."

Said: "Latest medical research"
Meant: "This week's guess."

When they say, "We did all that we could under the circumstances, with the knowledge that we had at the time,"
what they really mean is, "We blew it."


GOVERNMENT - SPEAK

Said: "Accountability without stifling the entrepreneurial spirit."
Meant: "Let the big guys keep cheating."

Said: "Social conscience"
Meant: "Public opinion polls"

Said: "A candidate with a good record."
Meant: "He hasn't been indicted yet."

Said: "We've got them on the run."
Meant: "We have no idea where they are."

Said: "A heightened security level alert this weekend."
Meant: "Act like you normally do. We just need to scare you every so often so you'll let us get rid of more civil liberties."

When they say, "We've discovered new covert-threatening activities in the region, but we aren't at liberty to divulge the details,"
what they're really saying is, "We've got to start this war soon before everyone starts blaming us for the economy."


SCHOOL - SPEAK

Said: "Fluid curriculum"
Meant: "We don't know what we're doing."

Said: "Developmental, not age-driven learning."
Meant: "What do we care when your kid learns to read?"

Said: "Challenging instructor"
Meant: "A bad teacher we just can't fire."

When parents say, "You won't learn anything if we help you with your math homework,"
what they really mean is: "I don't remember what the hell a cosine is."


BUSINESS - SPEAK

What They Said: "Accounting procedures"
What They Meant: "Ways to cheat"

Said: "I don't recall"
Meant: "I already shredded everything."

Said: "Synergy"
Meant: "Collusion"

Said: "We are revectoring portions of the company."
Meant: "You're fired."

Said: "We are downsizing."
Meant: "You're fired."

Said: "We are offering you early retirement."
Meant: "You're fired."

When they actually say, "You're fired," what they really mean is,
"We've checked with our lawyers. You're out of here, and we dare you to sue us."


PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP- SPEAK

Said: "We'll get together soon."
Meant: "Stop calling me."

Said: "I have to get up early tomorrow."
Meant: "I never want to see you again."

Said: "The kids never gave me your message."
Meant: "I didn't feel like calling you back."

Said: "Let's prioritize."
Meant: "Let's do the things I want to do."

Said: "I'm listening."
Meant: "I'm trying to watch TV."

Said: "You're in denial."
Meant: "You're disagreeing with me."

Said: "I'm still processing what you said."
Meant: "I forgot what you said."

Said: "That's a good color for you."
Meant: "Have you gained weight?"

Said: "Hey, Buddy, it's great to see you."
Meant: "I have no idea what your name is."

And, of course, if a relative of yours says, "You can always stay with us if you'd like,"
what they're really saying is, "There are plenty of nice hotels near our house."

[NEB]

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!", the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's ***** is being exhibited
for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans -
"OOH GOD... they got me girl too!"

[NEB]

THE MALE RULES

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side.
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! JUST SAY IT!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.


1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really!


1. You have enough clothes!

1. You have too many shoes!

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.


1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

[NEB]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[NEB]

Not exactly funny, but this one regularly does the rounds to warn against - well you'll get the idea pretty quickly...

****** Promotion Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
3. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
4. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
5. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
6. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
7. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
8. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
9. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
10. If you go into heat, package your meat.
11. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
12. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
13. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
14. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
15. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
16. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.