The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
You have no idea who many people think Dutch is the language spoken in Denmark. People's ability to show that they have no interest in knowledge never ceases to amaze me!
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Ach, double dutch, a fine dialect of a world language, I also speak alfa alfa, a faux language I learned as a youngsters akin to pig latin.
The trick with "alfa alfa" is that an L and F are insereted before and after any vowel sound in a word and then the vowel is repeated, for example:
Tree - treelfee
Dog - dolfog
Cat - calfat
Acrobat - alfacrollobalfat
and so forth, I'm still fluent at speaking it (amazingly) but the friend of mine who taught me this died of cancer so I think I'm the only surviving speak of this amazing and extremely stupid faux langauge.
The trick with "alfa alfa" is that an L and F are insereted before and after any vowel sound in a word and then the vowel is repeated, for example:
Tree - treelfee
Dog - dolfog
Cat - calfat
Acrobat - alfacrollobalfat
and so forth, I'm still fluent at speaking it (amazingly) but the friend of mine who taught me this died of cancer so I think I'm the only surviving speak of this amazing and extremely stupid faux langauge.
Soubasse
New member
Heavens! I learned a very similar one in my youth where "alf" is simply inserted after the first letter or first syllable of a word and before the rest of it.
Dalfog, Calfat, Tralfee, etc. There are a few words where caution is advised ... Duck and Truck for example.
CT, yours is more elaborate, and trickier to master - and I'm impressed that you have! I learned my simpler version from a fellow muso who had thoroughly amusing turns of phrase. I still recall a time when he pointed out someone in a crowd referring to him as having a "haircut like an exploded armchair."
Damn, just realised this is supposed to be a jokes thread ... er, .... um ...
A priest checks in to a hotel whilst on business in another city. He says to the clerk behind the desk:
"Now, I'd just like to check on one thing please. Is the porn channel in my room disabled?"
The clerk looked him up and down and replied:
"No, it's regular porn you dirty b*stard!"
Dorsetmike
Member
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Noe as good as Mikes but I try
This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven.
There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home. It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardener, etc.
The old man exclaims, "That's ours?"
St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever."
The old man is a little suspicious and says, "How much is the rent?"
St. Peter says, "It is free. After all, this is heaven."
Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golf carts.
St. Peter says, "You can play here whenever you want."
The old man says, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replies, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man is very impressed. They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings.
The old man says, "How many calories?"
St. Peter says, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man gets a look on his face like he suddenly understands what heaven is all about
Then the old man suddenly turns and shouts at the old woman, yelling, "You ! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins and tofu and other health food, not to mention making me give up booze and cigarettes and exercise every day, we could have been here YEARS ago!"
This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven.
There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home. It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardener, etc.
The old man exclaims, "That's ours?"
St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever."
The old man is a little suspicious and says, "How much is the rent?"
St. Peter says, "It is free. After all, this is heaven."
Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golf carts.
St. Peter says, "You can play here whenever you want."
The old man says, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replies, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man is very impressed. They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings.
The old man says, "How many calories?"
St. Peter says, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man gets a look on his face like he suddenly understands what heaven is all about
Then the old man suddenly turns and shouts at the old woman, yelling, "You ! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins and tofu and other health food, not to mention making me give up booze and cigarettes and exercise every day, we could have been here YEARS ago!"
Dorsetmike
Member
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1)The woman buys the food.
(2)The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3)The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4)The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5)THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6)The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7)The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8)THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND
HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,
napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) EveryonePRAISEStheMANandTHANKS HIMfor his cooking efforts.
(12)The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off'and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1)The woman buys the food.
(2)The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3)The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4)The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5)THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6)The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7)The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8)THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND
HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils,
napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) EveryonePRAISEStheMANandTHANKS HIMfor his cooking efforts.
(12)The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off'and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
Dorsetmike
Member
Anti terrorist activity
WALK NAKED DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So next Saturday at 1 PM,all women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed outany neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for thisanti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in deck chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
All governments appreciate your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
marval
New member
2Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
Montefalco
New member
Musical Term Definitions as Seen by Country & Western Singers
12-Tone Scale: A scale to weigh a tractor trailer truck with
Accidentals: Wrong Notes
Agnus Dei: A felmale composer
Allegro: Leg fertilser
Bach Chorale: Where horses are kept
Clarinet: Name to use on second daughter if Betty Jo is taken
Crotchet: Fast Knitting
Da capon al fine: I like your hat
Metronome: A dwarf who lives in the city
12-Tone Scale: A scale to weigh a tractor trailer truck with
Accidentals: Wrong Notes
Agnus Dei: A felmale composer
Allegro: Leg fertilser
Bach Chorale: Where horses are kept
Clarinet: Name to use on second daughter if Betty Jo is taken
Crotchet: Fast Knitting
Da capon al fine: I like your hat
Metronome: A dwarf who lives in the city
marval
New member
Those are great ones.
There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the kangaroos have developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them down.
Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos suddenly change direction, and veer right towards the vehicle.
The driver then has to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials.
Drivers are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times. </SPAN>
There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the kangaroos have developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them down.
Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos suddenly change direction, and veer right towards the vehicle.
The driver then has to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials.
Drivers are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times. </SPAN>
Dorsetmike
Member
South African joke.
South African joke...
Sipho, driving the latest BMW, was pulled over by a Gauteng policeman at a roadblock.
'Congratulations', said the cop..'Because you are wearing your seat
belt you have just won R5,000 in an Arrive Alive safety competition'.
Sipho could hardly believe his luck.
'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.
'Well I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,' Sipho answered.
'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled Thato in the passenger seat.
'He tries to be smart when he's drunk.'
This woke up Mdyayigo in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,
'I TOLD you stealing the BMW was a bad idea. A Mazda would have been better.'
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Dumza's voice said,
'Are we over the border yet?'
The cop said .... 'Okay, my brothers. How are we sharing this R5000?!'
South African joke...
Sipho, driving the latest BMW, was pulled over by a Gauteng policeman at a roadblock.
'Congratulations', said the cop..'Because you are wearing your seat
belt you have just won R5,000 in an Arrive Alive safety competition'.
Sipho could hardly believe his luck.
'What are you going to do with your cash?' asked the traffic cop.
'Well I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,' Sipho answered.
'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled Thato in the passenger seat.
'He tries to be smart when he's drunk.'
This woke up Mdyayigo in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,
'I TOLD you stealing the BMW was a bad idea. A Mazda would have been better.'
At that moment there was a knock from the boot and Dumza's voice said,
'Are we over the border yet?'
The cop said .... 'Okay, my brothers. How are we sharing this R5000?!'
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Just to add an interesting point, since BMW introduced the 'immobiliser' there have been no BMW's stolen.
Dorsetmike
Member
My Mazda has an immobiliser, not had that stolen either!
As for no Beemers being nicked, maybe the thieves have better taste?
As for no Beemers being nicked, maybe the thieves have better taste?
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Really, thats amazing, I wonder why