The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
Good one Colin, I hope these have not been posted before.


Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with axe
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Medical misprints

Examination of genitalia reveals he is circus sized

The patient refused an autopsy

The patient has no history of suicides

When she fainted her eyes rolled round the room

She is numb from her toes down
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Daft definitions

Allotment ...... full of meaning

Autocue ......... traffic jam

Avoidable ...... what to do at a bull fight

Baloney .......... hemline level

Barbecue ........ wait for a hair cut

Control .......... short ugly prison inmate

Dilate .......... live long

Eclipse ............ what a cockney barber does

Gargoyle ........ olive flavoured mouthwsh

Legend ............. foot

Lymph ............ walk with a lisp

Pecan ................ container for urine

Protein ................. in favour of youth.
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
For the golfers.

Thomas stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing..

Finally his exasperated brother in law asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Thomas explained.

'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His brother in law said,

'You don't have a chance in hell of ...
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.
.
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hitting her from here.'
smirk.gif
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Two golfers are playing when a funeral passes by. The first golfer stands up and removes his hat. "That's very respectfull of you" -says the second golfer
"Well" replies the first golfer "she was a good wife"

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
A naive young girl was playing trivial pursuit one night.

It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science and nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She though for a minute or two and them asked, "Is it on or off?"
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ....... you should see the back of mine!!!'
 
marval

marval

New member
A story I'll tell of a burglar bold

Who started to rob a house;

He opened the window, and then crept in

As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,

'Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, "With their money

I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;

He crept up close to the wall;

He didn't know it was an old maid's room

Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,

As under the bed he lay;

But at nine o'clock he saw a sight

That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;

"I am so tired," she said;

She thought that all was well that night

So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,

And the hair from off her head;

The burglar, he had forty fits

As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,

He was a total wreck;

The old maid wasn't asleep at all

And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,

She was as cool as a clam;

She only said, "The Saints be praised,

At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,

And to the burglar she said,

"Young man, if you don't marry me,

I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,

He hadn't a chance to scoot;

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"





 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Typical Aussie, can't remember their own name :cheers:

is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God.
—Albert Einstein.
 
marval

marval

New member
Confucius say.. man who smoke pot might choke on handle.

Confucius say.. he who run behind car, get exhausted

Confucius say.. he who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.

Confucius say.. he who sit on tack, get point.

Confucius say.. man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Confucius say.. naked man fear no pickpocket.

Confucius say.. he who crosses ocean twice without washing, dirty double crosser.

Confucius say.. man who sink in woman's arms, soon have arms in woman's sink.

Confucius say.. man who throw away watch, wasting time

Confucius say.. man who throw dirt, losing ground.
 
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