JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
I only have a 000 brush and would be very mean in the amount that I would apply
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
I only have a 000 brush and would be very mean in the amount that I would apply
marval
New member
The plural is vuvuzelas, if they did a concert I for one would give it a miss.
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg.
As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. “Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady. “Yes,” he replied.
“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!”
marval
New member
Oh dear lol, lucky cat.
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand.
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."
From The Derby Abbey Community News.
We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce.
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine.
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick,' is for monetary donations only."
Margaret
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand.
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."
From The Derby Abbey Community News.
We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce.
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine.
"Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick,' is for monetary donations only."
Margaret
Dorsetmike
Member
One of the Photo forums I frequent has two world cup threads, one for the fans, and one for those that hate it.
As I often say, I remember when soccer was a game, not a media circus. Same goes for most "sport " these days.
As I often say, I remember when soccer was a game, not a media circus. Same goes for most "sport " these days.
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
You have got it right there Mike, IMO it all started when they professionalised sport, so many million dollars for playing a game, don't get me wrong I follow a few sports but the money puts a different slant on the game
marval
New member
I have managed to not watch a single game of football. I am sad England lost today, but I won't shed too many tears.
"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team."
"That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?"
"Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back."
"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been selected for the school football team."
"That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?"
"Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great draw-back."
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
marval
New member
Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.
One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
"Hey! Hey, Teddy, come over here. I've got something to show you!"
"Not now! I'm eating."
"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."
"No way."
"Please. It's urgent."
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
"Hey! Hey, Teddy, come over here. I've got something to show you!"
"Not now! I'm eating."
"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."
"No way."
"Please. It's urgent."
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Dorsetmike
Member
Not guilty.
teddy
Duckmeister
Dorsetmike
Member
marval
New member
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old woman, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper final arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old woman died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the woman had requested; it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the unmarried woman’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. Finally, his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows.
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper final arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old woman died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the woman had requested; it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the unmarried woman’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. Finally, his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows.
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
Dorsetmike
Member
I always thought that was reserved for nuns' tombstones.