The Jokes Thread
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JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Well she didn't :angel:
marval
New member
A former Marine was now working for UPS, He and his wife bought their 4-year-old son two stuffed bears, one in a UPS uniform, the other in full Marine dress.
The boy was happy for the gift, but appeared a bit confused. So his father dug out an old photo of himself in his Marine uniform and showed it to him.
"See Ronnie, this is daddy," he said pointing to the photo, and then to the bear.
The boy looked from the picture to the bear and back again, and then asked, in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"
The boy was happy for the gift, but appeared a bit confused. So his father dug out an old photo of himself in his Marine uniform and showed it to him.
"See Ronnie, this is daddy," he said pointing to the photo, and then to the bear.
The boy looked from the picture to the bear and back again, and then asked, in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"
teddy
Duckmeister
Jack and Bruce, Australian cobbers were having lunch, when a lady at the next table started to choke on her steak. Quick as a flash Jack jumped up, pulled the lady to her feet and snatched her dress up over her head. He then proceeded to run his tongue from her waist up to her neck. The lady gave a convulsive cough and spat out the piece of steak. Jack smoothed her dress back down and helped her to her seat. he then resumed his seat to applause from all the other diners. Bruce grabbed his hand and shook it. " That was marvelous" he said " I've often heard of the hind lick manouvre but I have never seen it done".
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Dorsetmike
Member
Just in case you really didn't know.
http://www.google.co.uk/#hl=en&sour...g10&aql=&oq=heim&gs_rfai=&fp=467155472c4f2886
http://www.google.co.uk/#hl=en&sour...g10&aql=&oq=heim&gs_rfai=&fp=467155472c4f2886
teddy
Duckmeister
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Montefalco
New member
I ate some bad yoghurt and got a 'culture' shock 
teddy
Duckmeister
And here was me thinking it was a special way to show affection to a Lady Deer
All the ladies I know are very dear.
teddy
Dorsetmike
Member
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him....
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him....
Are you ready for this?
Scroll down.....................................
Sum Ting Wong
marval
New member
lol Mike, very good.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife
"Yes" he replied.
"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife
"Yes" he replied.
"Sally sells C cells by the Seashore
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist
Montefalco
New member
A man had been out and was catching a taxi home. As the taxi approached his house he tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to remind him that they were near his stop, and the taxi driver jumped violently in his seat, and the car hit a tree. Luckily noone was hurt. The taxi driver then said:
'Sorry mate, but I've been driving a hearse for the last 20 years.'
'Sorry mate, but I've been driving a hearse for the last 20 years.'
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
How's your Ingrish?
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete..
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read... it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete..
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read... it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
marval
New member
Good one Colin.
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average.
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss talked the new employee and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket."
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average.
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss talked the new employee and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket."
Dorsetmike
Member
Good one Margaret, copied to another appreciative audience.
Dorsetmike
Member
[FONT="] [/FONT][FONT="][/FONT] [FONT="]A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered![/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT]
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered![/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT]