The Jokes Thread

[marval]

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point.

He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing.

The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion.

'Lion, Lion!' he cried, 'Have you seen my four point tool?'

'No.' Replied the lion, 'I have not seen your four point tool.'

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.

'Gorilla, Gorilla!' he cried, 'Have you seen my four point tool?'

'No.' Replied the gorilla, 'I have not seen your four point tool.'

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.

'Jaguar, Jaguar!' he cried, 'Have you seen my four point tool?'

'Yup!' replied the jaguar, 'I've seen your four point tool.'

'Well where is it?' inquired the chimp.

'I ate it.' Said the jaguar, smugly.

'Why would you do that?' Cried the chimp.

'Because,' replied the big cat, 'I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!

[jhnbrbr]

Three people had died and their souls were ascending to heaven. On the way up, they passed three eagles. When they saw the birds they all shouted "Ah, eagles!" but, being polite, the eagles didn't reply.

[Dorsetmike]

As you say hard to get, needs thought but worth it in the end.

[jhnbrbr]

A little old lady had led an extremely sheltered life and never left the village she was born in. One morning she awoke to find three elephants (which had escaped from a nearby zoo) eating the vegetables in her garden. Never having seen an elephant before, she hadn't got a clue what they were, so she phoned the police. "There are three enormous animals in my garden. They are pulling up my cabbages with their tails, and if I was to tell you what they are doing with them - well, you simply wouldn't believe me!"

* * * * *

Little Johnny normally went to the zoo with his mother, but when she was ill his father took him. Soon they found themselves staring at a particularly fine specimen of a bull elephant.
"Daddy, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"
"That's his tail, son."
"No, not that. The other thing."
"Why don't you ask your mother what it is, next time she brings you."
"I did ask her - and she just said it was nothing at all."
"That's the trouble with your mother, son. She's been spoilt."

[jhnbrbr]

When an engineer died, he was disappointed to find himself not in heaven, but in "the other place". Not only that, hell was in a terrible state, the furnaces weren't working properly and everything was really run down. Being a practical chap who liked to put his time to good use, he set to work doing repairs, and soon had everything ship-shape again. When God heard about this he summoned Satan to a meeting.
"There's clearly been a mistake made here. That engineer is a top class bloke. He should be with us, not with you."
"Not likely" replied Satan. "It's never been so hot in hell. I'm hanging on to him."
"Now look here, " said God, "if you won't let me have him I shall have to sue you."
"Sue me? Don't make me laugh. Where would you find a solicitor?"

[Dorsetmike]

Two of maids went for a tramp in the woods,

Luckily, he escaped.

-------------------------------------

Two old maids sat on a bench when a photographer happens by.

"Is he going to focus"

"We should be so lucky at our age...."

[marval]

Hey guys, some really funny ones there.


Margaret

[marval]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[marval]

A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"

[jhnbrbr]

Nice ones, Margaret! I'm reminded of one which dates from the time before you served yourself at petrol stations. A man drives onto the forecourt and says to the attendant: "Fill her up if she'll take it."

* * * * * *
A man walks into a pub, slips on a dog turd in the doorway, skids across the floor and bangs his head on the bar. He's barely recovered when a second man walks into the pub and does exactly the same. "I just did that" says the first man. The second man nearly kills him.

[marval]

Good ones there.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride-broom, the other the groom- broom.
The bride-broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom-broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom-broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself -- this is going to hurt ! !! ! !!

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

[Mat]

Thinking outside the box

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it does move and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

7. If you cant fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[marval]

Thats a good one Mat. I have a bad cough, must get some laxatives.


Margaret

[marval]

I found this on another place I visit.

An Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman are having a drink and a chat. The Englishman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found some wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine"

The Scotsman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, the other day I came home and found a pipe wrench under the bed, and it wasn't mine"

The Irishman says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse" The other two look at him and say, "A HORSE!" The Irishman says, "Yes seriously, the other day I came home and found a Jockey under the bed".

[jhnbrbr]

Margaret, Margaret, Margaret!! You can't tell racist jokes like that these days ....

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman had been trapped on a desert island for months, and were reaching the end of their tethers. One day an old bottle was washed up on the shore and when they opened it a genie appeared and said he was going to grant each of them just one wish. "I wish I was drinking a brandy in my club in London" said the Englishman, and immediately he disappeared. "And I wish I was downing a whiskey in my favourite bar in Glasgow" added the Scotsman, then he too disappeared. "I'm feeling a bit lonely, now" said the Irishman, "I wish the other two were back here!"

Q: What offertory prayer is normally used in Scottish churches?
A: "Oh Lord, we thank thee for the safe return of the plate."

Q: How can you tell when an aeroplane is full of English tourists?
A: You can still hear a whining noise after the engines have been switched off.