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About LinkBacksHow do you tell if a Princess has had an orgasm?
She stops filing her nails.
What does a Princess do with her ******* in the morning?
She sends him off to work.
How do you tell if a Princess has had an orgasm?
She stops filing her nails.
What does a Princess do with her ******* in the morning?
She sends him off to work.
An American is in a british pub having a pint. He keeps acting like he is punching numbers on a phone in his right hand and then holds his hand up as if he is talking into it. He keeps doing this several times.
One of the customers comments to the barman "whats up with that bloke, he thinks he has a phone in his hand, he surely is a few pints short of a sixpack."
So the barman walks over to the American and says "you're starting to scare some of my customers acting like you have a phone in your hand."
The American says "my hand has a phone built into it." The American then asks the barkeep what his phone number is, dials it, and the barman starts talking to his wife. The barman is amazed and tells the other customer about it.
A little time later the American goes to the bathroom. He has been in there for about 20 minutes. One of the patrons tells the barman to check on the American. The barman walks into the bathroom. The American is in a stall, his hands are holding the handicapped rails and he is sitting on the floor,his pants are down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass. The barman asks " what the hell are you doing?" The American replies " I am waiting for a fax."
Subject: SOME MEN.... (CAN be)
MEN
Men are like ... Floor Tiles. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
Men are like ... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion
Men are like ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like ... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Crystal. Some look really good, but you can still see right through them.
Best of all,
Men are like ... Laxatives. They irritate the **** out of you......
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding, where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy vivacious young womnan.
But lo and behold the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the hotel shop. The clerk looked really concerned, "whatever happened to you, honey? you look like you've been wrestling an alligator."
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,"oh my! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money."
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1.You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2.You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3.a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4.You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5.You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6.You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7.You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8.You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9.If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10.Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1.You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2.If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3.You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4.You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans
5.Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6.No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7.More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8.You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9.All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10.Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH:
1.When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2.Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3.You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4.If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5.You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6.You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7.You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8.Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9.You don't have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.
10.People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1.You can have a woman president without electing her.
2.You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3.You can call Budweiser beer.
4.You can be a crook and still be president.
5.If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6.If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7.You get to be really obese.
8.You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9.You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10.You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1.You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2.You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3.You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4.You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5.You can go skiing in your knickers.
6.You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7.You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8.You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - it's fairly spacious.
9.When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10.You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1.Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2.Warm beer.
3.You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4.You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5.Union jack underpants.
6.Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7.You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8.Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9.Ditto changing underwear.
10.Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1.You ain't English!
2.You ain't English!
3.You ain't English!
4.You ain't English!
5.You ain't English!
6.You ain't English!
7.You ain't English!
8.You ain't English!
9.You ain't English!
10.You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1.In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2.Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3.No need to worry about tax returns.
4.Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5.Can wear sunglasses inside.
6.Political stability.
7.Flexible working hours.
8.Live near the Pope.
9.Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10.Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1.Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2.The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrennees.
3.You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4.The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5.Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6.Honesty.
7.Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8.You get to eat bull's testicles.
9.Gibraltar.
10.Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Marge's ear and she said, "Marge, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Marge answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Folks ... let's keep the jokes "clean" ok? This is an International & Community forum and is searchable by any age group on the internet. The use of offensive words and/or foul words may not be presenting the best image for this forum.
Krummhorn,
Sr. Regulator
Ooooops - Sorry. I've been going through my library and weeding out the worst offenders. Not quite sure what I can get away with though...
I agree with Krummhorn. Just tone the offensive words down a bit and I think everything should be ok.
Another thing... ahem.... *dusts off the old posting guidelines* ...hmmm... let's see... oh, yes, here's one of the old rules:
This rule is not being enforced strictly on a daily basis, which is alright, but in a thread like this with so many posts it does have some merit, and I will ask of you all to please follow it from here on, thanksDo not make several posts in a row in the same thread if it can be avoided. If you have made a post and wish to add additional info / follow up - and others have not yet replied - if possible edit the post instead of making a new reply. (you can edit posts up to 12 hours after posting). Please note that this guideline is in part made to avoid inflation of the title system
I have a large library of joke which I have been trying to share. Each of these is a different joke, and I've been posting them in chunks as I get time to go through my HD and dig them all out.
That's how come they've been written that way. It is not something I have done (other than by accident) in any other thread. Neither was it my intention to contravene any guidelines, something for which I humbly appologise.
Don't sweat it NEB. No need for any apologies, I know it was not your intention to contravene the guidelines in any way, and my post was simply meant as a guideline going forward with this thread. Even I had almost forgotten about this very old rule. Looking forward to read more of the great jokes from your collection
Oops I offended too, sorry guys.
Margaret
Originally Posted by NEB
Do you have any other nationalities? These are fine!
Jan
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH AFRICAN:
1. You can be elected to government if you've served a jail sentence.
2. The crime rate is the highest.
3. Unemployment is amongst the highest.
4. Electricity comsumption is higher than electricity supply.
5. The AIDS figure is higher than the inflation rate.
6. If there is a crime you don't have to phone the police as they are already there,
most probably commiting the crime.
7. We have Africa time.
8. You don't have to show up for appointments.
9. Car hi-jacking is considered a national sport.
10. You are not in Zimbabwe
Johan van Heerden
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