The Jokes Thread

[marval]

Here are some good books to read.

My golden wedding
by Annie Versary

The insurmountable problem
by Major Setback

Crime does not pay
by Laura Norda

A load of old rubbish
by Stefan Nonsense

Tape recording for beginners
by Cass Ette

Don't leave without me
by Isa Coming

Making the most of life
by Maxie Mumm

When shall we meet again
by Miles Apart

The Arctic Ocean
by I.C. Waters

[Muza]

Pilot Checklist
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

[Contratrombone64]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

God replied: 'I just didn't recognise you !

[Muza]

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Tele When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[Contratrombone64]

How do you get an oboist to play an A flat??

You take the batteries out of his/her electronic tuner ...

[Muza]

Why men don't write advice columns Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the arburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[marval]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "do you want a game of darts?" he said, "Ok then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "your'e closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow, I rang her up. I said "did you get my drift?".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought he's trying to pull a fast one.

So I said to the gym instructor "can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "how flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went to a Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition, and I won a years supply of Marmite........one jar.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said,"not you again."

Four fonts walk into a bar, the barman says "Oi-get out! We don't want your type in here.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "pint please, and one for the road."

[Contratrombone64]

An engineer, a priest and a doctor are all patiently waiting their turn at the local golf links. A group of men ahead of them are taking impossibly time with each shot ... As the ground's keeper wanders past the priest says "hey, why is that group being so slow, we'll be here all day at this rate". keeper says "Father, they're firefighters all blinded in a horror fire, we let them take their time as an act of kindness". Totally appalled the priest says "Oh goodness I feel awful, I'm make sure I add them to my prayers". The doctor says "don't be silly, I'm an optomologist and I'll see if I can't help them in a practical way". The engineer says "Can't they play at night?" ...

[Corno Dolce]

There used to be a Dairy Queen chain of Ice Cream stores where I live - No more now.

Here's the joke about DQ:

Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

[marval]

As we would say Ooh matron

[Contratrombone64]

Sweet Corn, very subtle use of humour I see (not).

Why did Helen Rubenstein blush? Because Max Factor ...

[Contratrombone64]

Also - I'm still laughing over the joke on the first page (or second?) "the Amazing Claude" that's an absolutely classic!!

[Contratrombone64]

Did you hear about the great Irish music critic? Phil O'Stein ...

[Muza]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On a Flea collar box: It is a violation of Federal Law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling.
* On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping
* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary Details inside
* On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap
* Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head
* On Tesco’s Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body
* On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery
* On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness
* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only
* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use
* On Sainsbury’s Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts
* On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

[rojo]

Ct64...

This is completely silly, and made me laugh-

+ YouTube Video