The Jokes Thread

[Contratrombone64]

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practise.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in t he park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.
is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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[marval]

Seen some of those, still very funny. Sorry about my Forty(fawlty) spelling.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........

It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a 6 pack of Stella.



...........You have no idea how good I feel.


You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

[Muza]

hahaha, that explains it all Marval

[intet_at_tabe]

hahaha, that explains it all Marval

Muza dear and CT64.

Would you guys mind if I took a print to keep here at my home of each of your long entered jokes? I just love it .

[Muza]

Go right ahead Hey maybe we can combine it into a book and take it to Andalucia....

[Contratrombone64]

intet - of course - I don't think there could ever be a copyright on jokes, believe me, if there were Disney Corporation would have applied it already.

[Krummhorn]

Acts 29:1-14

1) And it came to pass, when Paul was at Corinth, he and certain disciples came upon a mob that was stoning an organist. 2) And Paul said unto them, "What then hath he done unto thee that his head should be bruised?" 3) and the people cried with one voice, "He hath played too loud!" 4) "Yes, in the singing of psalms, he maketh our heads to ring as if they were beaten with hammers. 5) Behold, he sitteth up high in the loft, and mighty are the pipes and mighty is the noise thereof, and though there be few of us below, he nonetheless playeth with all the stops, the Assyrian Trumpet stop and the stop of the Rams Horn and the stop that soundeth like the sawing of stone, and we cannot hear the words that cometh out of our own mouths. 6) He always tosseth in variations that confuse us mightily and he playeth loud and discordant and always in a militant tempo, so that we have not time to breathe as we sing. 7) Lo, he is a plague upon the faith and should be chastised!" 8) Paul, hearing this, had himself picked up a small stone, and was about to cast it, but he set it down, and bade the organist to come forward. 9) He was a narrow man, pale of complexion, dry, flaking and thin of hair. 10) And Paul said unto him, "Why hath thou so abused thy brethren?" 11) And the organist replied, "I could not hear them singing from where I sat, and therefore played the louder so as to encourage them." 12) And Paul turned round the mob and said loudly, "Let him who has never played an organ cast the first stone." 13) And they cast stones for awhile until their arms were tired, and Paul bade the organist repent and he did. 14) And Paul said unto him, "Thou shalt take up the flute and play it for thirty days, to cleanse thy spirit," and afterward they returned to Corinth and sang psalms unaccompanied and then had coffee and were refreshed in the faith.

[methodistgirl]

Oh Krummhorn! Where is that in the bible about coffee? I have one.
What's red and is allways on the run? Is it A.a fire engine,B.a caboose,
C.a brick house? It was a caboose! Honk! Honk!
judy tooley

[marval]

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise , a voice comes from the peanut bowl.

"You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realising he has no cigarettes, he wonders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.

"Who let you in here? Did you check the mirror before you left the house?. Get away from me."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

[Contratrombone64]

marval - brilliant - made me laugh out loud!!

[intet_at_tabe]

intet - of course - I don't think there could ever be a copyright on jokes, believe me, if there were Disney Corporation would have applied it already.

Muza dear and Contratrombone64

Muza great idea about the complet book of jokes for the Andalucia exploring.

Thanks guys, I thought I better ask you.

CT64 what exactly is a contratrombone?

[intet_at_tabe]

The guy has just finished refueling his car, goes to the small house to pay for the gas.

Inside there is a weird man, looking exactly like had he been sitting in a car, with his knees bent and one hand on the steering wheel, handing 10 dollars to the man behind the cash register.

The funny looking guy leaving the tank through the door making sounds like a car with his mouth.

The guy looking at the man behind the cash register:

What´s wrong with the dude? Why don´t you tell him he´s not driving a car?

The man behind the cash register:

Oh no, he says and continues:

The dude comes in every second day and pays me 10 dollars for the gas, and the other every second day he pays 10 dollars for us to wash his car.

[Contratrombone64]

http://www.organstops.org/b/ContraTrombone64.mp3

[marval]

Hymns for the aging.


Precious Lord take my hand
(and help me get up)

It is well with my soul
(but my back hurts)

Nobody knows the trouble I have seeing

Amazing Grace (considering my age)

Just a slower walk with thee

Count your many birthdays
(name them one by one)

Go tell it on the mountain
(and speak up)

Give me that old timers religion

Blessed insurance

Guide me O thou great Jehovah
(I've forgotten where I parked

[intet_at_tabe]

http://www.organstops.org/b/ContraTrombone64.mp3

CT64

I checked the link you entered on "contratrombone", weird sounds almost like from a syntheziser or sampler? Does the contratrombone look like any ordinary trombone? For instance played by Robin Eubanks?