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Thread: The Jokes Thread

  1. #2191
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

    Two o'clock and no hired hand.


    Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her.

    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

    Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

    He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
    He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

    "Now take off my skirt."

    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

    "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  2. #2192
    Commander, Assistant Conductor Lusaka_Guitarist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dorsetmike View Post
    "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
    LOL! Mike. I never saw that one comming.!

    Lovemore Nanjaya.

  3. #2193
    Duckmeister teddy's Avatar
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    two cannibals were eating a clown One says to the other " Does this taste funny?"

  4. #2194
    JHC
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    two Maori were eating a couple of sailors one says to the other "Pass the salt"

  5. #2195
    Duckmeister teddy's Avatar
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    Two sailors were washed up on the sea shore covered in red and blue paint. Coastguards say they must have been marooned.

  6. #2196
    JHC
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    Two vampire musicians were drinking blood one said "This is B flat"

  7. #2197
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Two peanuts walking down the street, one was assaulted

    (I'll get me coat)

  8. #2198
    Duckmeister teddy's Avatar
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    Help I have just been assulted by some fruit.
    What sort of fruit?
    Grapes.
    How do you know it was grapes?
    There was a bunch of them........... wait for me Mike.

  9. #2199
    Admiral of Fugues Contratrombone64's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by J.H.C. View Post
    two Maori were eating a couple of sailors one says to the other "Pass the salt"
    That's a classic, Colin, especially as I know what "salt" means in this context!

  10. #2200
    JHC
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    Quote Originally Posted by Contratrombone64 View Post
    That's a classic, Colin, especially as I know what "salt" means in this context!
    I thought it had fallen on stony ground David

  11. #2201
    Duckmeister teddy's Avatar
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    Colin
    Are you going to change your tatoo to reflect your new position>

    teddy

  12. #2202
    JHC
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    Shhhhhh I have not had permission, but she said I could wear my ear ring again but I'm not sure that I like it

  13. #2203
    Mat
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    Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested
    at the airport for drug smuggling?

    It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty
    pounds of crack....

  14. #2204
    Duckmeister teddy's Avatar
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    Oh Mat!!!!!!!!!

    teddy

  15. #2205
    Duckmeister teddy's Avatar
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    An odd job man goes to a house looking for work. "Here is a tin of paint and a brush" says the owner. "Go round the back and paint the porch. If you make a good job I will give you some more work."
    Two hours later the odd job man is a the front door again. "I've finished and I think you will be really pleased. I'ge given it a good rub down and two coats. Bye the way you were wrong. Its a Mercedes not a porche."

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