The Jokes Thread

[Dorsetmike]

As a family, we are trying to keep up with technology.....
So I bought my son an iPhone...my daughter an iPod, and
myself an iPad. Felt sorry for the wife, so bought her an iRon and that's when the trouble started......

[teddy]

My wife asked me if I fancied swapping positions tonight. I immediately said yes.........now she is on the sofa watching rugby and I am ironing!!!!!!!!

teddy

[marval]

Lol, good ones.


At court one day, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff"

Put this man in a dry cell!"


Margaret

[teddy]

Meant to be a true story....

A lawyer in America bought some expensive cigars and insured them against all risks. After smoking them he put in an insurance claim for fire damage! The case eventually was proven in court and the lawyer was paid out. The insurance company then cited him for arson. Following his trial he was jailed.
Strange but true?

teddy

[marval]

Funnily enough I have heard that one, it made me smile.


Margaret

[marval]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I do not know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

[teddy]

Once upon a time a packet of corn flakes went on holiday to the seaside.

I will tell you more tomorrow.....as it's a cereal.

teddy

[marval]

Lol Teddy, very good.


Margaret

[Dorsetmike]

Once upon a time a packet of corn flakes went on holiday to the seaside.

I will tell you more tomorrow.....as it's a cereal.

teddy

It was very cold there, they came back as Frosted Flakes.

[teddy]

Good job they did not come here. They might have gone back as Crunchy Nut Flakes

teddy

[marval]

With an answer like that we will have to rename you Pop corn.


Margaret

[Dorsetmike]

Sorry too soon for another name change, he's only just officially changed to Duckmeister from Rear Admiral.

[teddy]

You want to hear what my wife calls me...actually, no, you don't.

teddy

[marval]

Oh go on Teddy, do share. lol


Margaret

[marval]

Oh go on Teddy, do tell. lol


Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.

"What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked.

"A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered.

"What for?"

"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them."

"But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle.

Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat."


Margaret