The Jokes Thread

[teddy]

Solly itss my smeling

trody

[Dorsetmike]

about time you got your spill chucker sorted

[teddy]

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

teddy

[Corno Dolce]

A true anecdote that is also a joke:

Dr. Paul Erdos(sounds like airdish)a world-class Mathematician, had tea and crumpets one sunday afternoon with a female acquaintance. During their repast Dr. Erdos noticed the woman's cat slink by - Dr. Erdos huffed: FASCIST CAT!!! The woman shrieked: MY CAT IS NOT A FASCIST!!! Dr. Erdos retorted: Madam, tell that to the mouse.............

[teddy]

Just been down to the County Court on a business matter. Was searched and found to be carrying a small penknife with a 2 1/2 inch blade. Informed the guards rthat I was not a Taliban terrorist. Was informed by the officials that that sort of language was not used in the court, to which I promptly replied, - Yes it is by me - and that I would continue to make such comments until commom sense was restored and PC was finally dead.
Apparently I am now not popular with them. How will I ever sleep at night.

teddy bin moanin

[teddy]

FIRST TIME SEX


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

teddy

[teddy]

Take Aways


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to
clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he
beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked
by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed
them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs
the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and
shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "What's the food like here?"

WAIT FOR IT !!!

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees

teddy

[marval]

Groan Teddy, no to be honest I laughed my socks off. Well I would have if I had been wearing any.


Margaret

[marval]

A six year old girl came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

"That's interesting," she said,"How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

[teddy]

Ah,if only it was that simple

teddy

[Dorsetmike]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[marval]

I like it Mike.




Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wanted ad for an accountant.

He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand pounds."

"Eighty-five thousand pounds!" the young man exclaimed.


"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[teddy]

Disease




Wine




Daily dose




Allergies




Médoc




1 glass




Anemia




Graves




4 glasses




High Blood Pressure




Rosé de Provence




1 bottle




Bronchitis




Bourgogne or Bordeaux
> ( + sugar and cinnamon )




3 cups




Constipation




Anjou blanc electricity .Vouvray




4 glasses




Coronary arteries




Dry Champagne




4 glasses




Diarrhea




Beaujolais Nouveau




4 glasses




Fever




Champagne sec




1 bottle




Heart




Burgundy , Santenay Rouge




Two glasses




Uric acid gout




Sancerre , Pouilly Fume




4 glasses




Hypertension




Alsace , Sancerre




4 glasses




Anxiety




Saint Emilion




4 glasses




Depression




Médoc




4 glasses




Obesity




Burgundy




4 glasses




Chlorestrol




Rosé de Provence




1 bottle




Rheumatism




Champagne




4 glasses




Excessive weight loss




Côte de Beaune




4 glasses




































Cheers!
Don't thank me. I'm only doing my job.

Dr teddy

[marval]

Thank you Dr.Teddy, how many glasses have you had?



A woman went to the doctor's office,where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming, as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Dorsetmike]

A pirate walked into a pub .............

A pirate walked into a pub, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feels fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before..."

"AArrrrrr, well," said the pirate, "We was in a battle, and I got hit
with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "Aarrrrrrr, we was in another battle. I boarded
a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted
with a hook but I'm fine now."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we was at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooed in me eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just
from bird poo."



"Aarrrrrr, well, it was me first day with the hook."