The Jokes Thread

[intet_at_tabe]

Some of them - yes. But remember that the Internet is inexhaustible source

Thank you for the advice Captain of Water Music, first rank.

Btw. I did not ask you to stop?

[C5Says]

C5Says

Actually my calculation was wrong, instead it´s - Uno, Dos, Dres, Quartro but then is Singo, Says....
Just thought, I´d help you out. Ole´

That's uno, dos, tres, quatro, and Cinco...which is my surname.

[intet_at_tabe]

That's uno, dos, tres, quatro, and Cinco...which is my surname.

Just kiddin´. I missed you C5Says

[C5Says]

Just kiddin´. I missed you C5Says

Oh, thanks...I was at church...left home at noon and got back at 9pm...now it's 1:37AM....and sleepy... nice to be back

[Mat]

Thank you for the advice Captain of Water Music, first rank.

You are most welcome

Btw. I did not ask you to stop?

A blonde brunette and a red head were all getting chased by a farmer, so the brunette hid in the dog house, the red head hid in the cat house, and the blonde hid in a sack of potatoes. The farmer came in and kicked the dog house, the brunette barked and he thought that was normal. he kicked the cat house and the red head meowed, he thought that was normal. He kicked the sack of potatoes and the blonde went "Patatoe" "patatoe"

[marval]

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table

One of them spots a whisk and asks "what's that?"

The other egg looks puzzled and replies "beats me."

[intet_at_tabe]

You are most welcome

A blonde brunette and a red head were all getting chased by a farmer, so the brunette hid in the dog house, the red head hid in the cat house, and the blonde hid in a sack of potatoes. The farmer came in and kicked the dog house, the brunette barked and he thought that was normal. he kicked the cat house and the red head meowed, he thought that was normal. He kicked the sack of potatoes and the blonde went "Patatoe" "patatoe"

Mat

You´re rockin´.

Here I am close to 04 in the early hours of sunday morning. My first entry today. LMAO. Did you ever seriously think about whether your career could take another turn? I mean in jokes?

And then not a word more about blonde women in generel being, well? Keep èm coming Capt´n, you´re AWESOME

[intet_at_tabe]

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table

One of them spots a whisk and asks "what's that?"

The other egg looks puzzled and replies "beats me."

marval "beats me"

[Mat]

You´re rockin´.

Here I am close to 04 in the early hours of sunday morning. My first entry today. LMAO. Did you ever seriously think about whether your career could take another turn? I mean in jokes?

Hey, you are an 'early bird' , aren't you?

Hmm, that might be quite cool. Before going on stage I would tell a few jokes... I'm wondering... What would be more pathetic: jokes or performance itself?



And now the joke:


An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[marval]

The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: Repeat the last point, his teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold I come quickly." Still nothing, he tried one more time...Speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher apologised profusely.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault, I should have moved out of the way. You told me three times you were coming."

[intet_at_tabe]

Hey, you are an 'early bird' , aren't you?

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Mat - you´re killing me

[intet_at_tabe]

The new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous, and about ten minutes into the sermon his mind went blank. After a brief second of complete panic, he remembered what they had taught him in seminary about situations like this: Repeat the last point, his teacher assured him this would help him remember what was supposed to come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. He tried again. "Behold I come quickly." Still nothing, he tried one more time...Speaking and gesturing with such force that he fell forward, knocking the pulpit to one side, tripping over the flower pot, and falling into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher apologised profusely.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady. "It was my fault, I should have moved out of the way. You told me three times you were coming."

Miss Margeret

It seems the language here or the philosophical meaning behind the wise words, do not realy beong in church. However we´re all children of The Lord. AWESOME.

One of the things in my disputable life that I never could participate in, remembering jokes, and you guys are incredible - hats off to Ya all

[Mat]

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

[marval]

A young blonde was on vacation, in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers the blonde shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

The shopkeeper said "by all means, be my guest, maybe you'll be lucky and catch a big one." The blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming towards her, she takes aim and kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort pulls it on to the bank.

Lying nearby were several more dead alligators. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back and frustrated shouts out, "bother it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

[Mat]

Good one, marval.




One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"