The Jokes Thread

[marval]

Paddy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Paddy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English,but she did not speak his language

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.


To this day, Paddy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[marval]

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in

that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:

"Pardon?"

[teddy]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven of course


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.'

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'
And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks
'Sara Pipalini;' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says
'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'


If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

teddy

[marval]

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

[teddy]

Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old...................................as long as she buys him enough drinks first.

teddy

[marval]

On a hot sunny day a Kangaroo went into a bar and asked for an ice cold glass of coke.

The bartender looked at him for a while and then poured him the coke,

“That'll be $5.00 please” said the bartender.

“$5.00 for a glass of coke here, its daylight robbery” said the Kangaroo and paid the man.

The bartender stood staring at the kangaroo, “Is there a problem?” said the kangaroo.

“No,”said the bartender it's just we don't get many Kangaroos in here.

At $5.00 a glass I am not surprised”, said the Kangaroo

[marval]

Okay


Think of a number.

Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5.

Take away the number you first thought of.

Now add 7.

Subtract 2.

Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes. . . .









Dark, isn't it?

[teddy]

Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for
fresh water
and 7 miles for food






This is because the daft so-and-so torched
Peckham Tescos
and Tottenham KFC
and now has to walk to Croydon for breakfast.

[marval]

Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours. Call and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the owner of an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

[teddy]

Well, I have been out with a couple of dogs myself, especially after drinking too much.

teddy

[smudgedude]

two nuns walk into a bar.

[teddy]

This is the story of the blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:


"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"


All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."


She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."


"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

teddy

[marval]

The farmer has a sick ram so he asks the vet to come and look at him.

The vet says, “There’s nothing physically wrong with the ram, he just seems to be depressed.”

The farmer replies, “I noticed that, so I’ve been piping music into his pen to cheer him up.”

“What kind of music,” asks the vet?

“Oh just some old favourites, like'There Will Never Be Another You.'"

[marval]

I don't know why I didn't realise this sooner.

It's the shampoo we use in the shower.

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is the warning:

'FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY'.

No wonder I have been gaining weight. I am getting rid of the shampoo and am changing to dishwashing liquid, instead.


'DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE'

Problem solved.

[teddy]

Oh, I would have to buy a very large bottle of that Margaret

teddy