The Jokes Thread

[marval]

Seventy-three year old Sol had worked in the garment centre all his life, never finding the time to get married.

But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight.

Within a month Sol and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon.

"So how was it?" asked Herschel, Sol's friend, on the couple's return.

"Oh, just beautiful," replied a starry-eyed Sol.

"The sun, the surf . . . and we made love almost every night."

"Just a minute," interrupted Herschel. "At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?"

"Oh yes," said Sol, "we almost made love Saturday, we almost made love Sunday . . ."

[teddy]

Subject: Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to find the things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Brandy, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now... Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! ******

troaedi

[teddy]

Morris returns from the doctor

and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one
more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we
could...'
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning..... you don't.'

teddy

.

[teddy]

Company Policy: Effective from 18th November 2011
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor’s, you are able to come to work.
Holidays
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for Dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three – minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time need to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
The Management
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

teddy

[Dorsetmike]

This would be your company Teddy?

[teddy]

You bet Mike. I am saving up to give them an extra lump of coal at Christmas

teddy

[marval]

John's car came to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"Well, I guess," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said John, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"What? The 'here after' routine? What on earth is that?" she asked.

To which John responded.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

[JHC]

　

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

The following was told to me by my friend and golfing mate John

This is how he handled the situation with his wife.

When I semi-retired a few years ago (due to a so-called medical condition!), it became necessary for Leslie to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is unreasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. for example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



John, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defence that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[marval]

Jane had a system for labelling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meat loaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef PotPie."

Every day when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

In Jane's freezer you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything,""I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good,"or "Food."

No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.

[teddy]

How wonderful, a woman who really understands her man.

teddy

[teddy]

It reminds me of the wife who was slightly deaf and ended up with 14 children.

Every night when they went to bed her husband would say " Do you want to go to sleep or what?"

and she would reply " What?"


teddy

[teddy]

PATIENT: " Doctor Doctor you must help me immediately. I am shrinking"

DOCTOR: " I am sorry. You will have to be a little patient"

teddy (I'M going now).

[Dorsetmike]

teddy (I'M going now).

Promise?

[marval]

Patient: "Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes".

Nurse: "Have you seen a doctor?”

Patient: "No, just spots."

[teddy]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

teddy