The Jokes Thread

[Corno Dolce]

Oh Krummhorn,

ROTFLMAO - Oh My Lord, that is sooooooooo funny! You'd put Letterman or Leno to shame with that one.

Right on dude!

Cheers,

Corno Dolce

[NEB]

I almost wet myself laughing at that one!

[marval]

I Can't beat the last joke, that was really good.

Here goes.

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24 piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally the puzzle was finished.
"Look what I've done Jess", he said proudly to a visiting neighbour.

"That's surely something Wellard, how long did it take you?" "Only two weeks"

"Never done a puzzle myself", Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"
"Yep" said Wellard., "sure is, look at the box it says from 2-4 years."

[janny108]

Oh Marval, that's hilarious!
Jan

[methodistgirl]

Krummhorn your joke took the cake and the prize this time and it
made my day lighten up in a jiffy.

Why is the train always on the run?
The caboose is red!
judy tooley

[Contratrombone64]

I love the Aussie joke (being an Aussie of course) and Marvel, I've shared your jokes around the office and there's been much guffawing.

[Contratrombone64]

What's the only part of Popeye that doesn't rust?

The part he keeps in Olive Oil ...

tish boom

[marval]

An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says "doctor I need something for my eyes, I can't see well these days".

The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses, and tells him to return in two weeks.

The snake comes back in two weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

The doctor says "what's the problem, didn't the glasses help?"

"The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose for the last two years".

[marval]

A couple had two boys aged 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occured in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boy's mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children. So she asked if he would speak to the boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the 10 year old in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "where is God"?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. the clergyman repeated the question, "where is God"? Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "where is God"?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and climbed into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened"?

The younger brother, gasping for breath replied, "we are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it".

[marval]

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe.

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gal whiskey

Method

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink, repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still ok. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something, who cares? Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window, Check the whiskey again. Go to bed and have dreams of a fat man in a red suit with children with strange pointy ears, dressed in green by your bed.

LOL Merry CHRISTmas

[marval]

Did you know Bach had some 10-14 children?

They say there were no stops on his organ.

Did you hear about the man who went streaking throught the church?

They caught him by the organ.

[Krummhorn]

Marval,
Those last ones were great ... especially the whiskey one - lol. I howled at that one.

[marval]

I'm so glad you liked them Krummhorn. They do say laughter is the best medicine.

[marval]

Here are some unfortunate notices.

In a toilet

Toilet out of order please use floor below

In a Laundry

Automatic washing machines, please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

In a store

Bargain basement upstairs

In an office

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken

In an office

After tea break staff should empty the teapot, and stand upside down on the draining board

Outside a second hand shop

We exchange anything, bicyles,washing machines. etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain

In health food shop window

Closed due to illness

In a safari park

Elephants please stay in your car

During a conference

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor

In a farmers field

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

On a repair shop door

We can repair anything, (please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work

[marval]

How all careers end.

Lawyers are disbarred

Ministers are defrocked

Electricians are delighted / refused

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented

Drunks are distilled

Alpine climbers are dismounted

Piano tuners are unstrung

Orchestra leaders are disbanded

Artists models are deposed

Cooks are deranged

Nudists are redressed

Office clerks are defiled

Mediums are dispirited

Programmers are decoded

Accountants are discredited

Pastry chefs are deserted

Perfume makers are dissented

Butterfly collectors are debugged

Students are degraded

Bodybuilders are rebuffed

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discoloured

Judges are disappointed

Vegas dealers are discarded

Mathematicians are discounted

Tree surgeons disembark