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Thread: The Jokes Thread

  1. #16
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    Oh Krummhorn,

    ROTFLMAO - Oh My Lord, that is sooooooooo funny! You'd put Letterman or Leno to shame with that one.

    Right on dude!

    Cheers,

    Corno Dolce
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  2. #17
    Rear Admiral Appassionata
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    I almost wet myself laughing at that one!

  3. #18
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    I Can't beat the last joke, that was really good.

    Here goes.

    On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24 piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally the puzzle was finished.
    "Look what I've done Jess", he said proudly to a visiting neighbour.

    "That's surely something Wellard, how long did it take you?" "Only two weeks"

    "Never done a puzzle myself", Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"
    "Yep" said Wellard., "sure is, look at the box it says from 2-4 years."

  4. #19
    Commander, Assistant Conductor
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    Oh Marval, that's hilarious!
    Jan

  5. #20
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso methodistgirl's Avatar
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    Krummhorn your joke took the cake and the prize this time and it
    made my day lighten up in a jiffy.

    Why is the train always on the run?
    The caboose is red!
    judy tooley

  6. #21
    Admiral of Fugues Contratrombone64's Avatar
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    I love the Aussie joke (being an Aussie of course) and Marvel, I've shared your jokes around the office and there's been much guffawing.

  7. #22
    Admiral of Fugues Contratrombone64's Avatar
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    What's the only part of Popeye that doesn't rust?

    The part he keeps in Olive Oil ...

    tish boom

  8. #23
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says "doctor I need something for my eyes, I can't see well these days".

    The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses, and tells him to return in two weeks.

    The snake comes back in two weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

    The doctor says "what's the problem, didn't the glasses help?"

    "The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose for the last two years".

  9. #24
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    A couple had two boys aged 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occured in their town, their sons would get the blame.

    The boy's mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children. So she asked if he would speak to the boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8 year old first, in the morning, with the 10 year old in the afternoon.

    The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "where is God"?

    The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. the clergyman repeated the question, "where is God"? Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "where is God"?

    The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and climbed into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened"?

    The younger brother, gasping for breath replied, "we are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it".
    Last edited by marval; Dec-20-2007 at 19:22.

  10. #25
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Christmas Fruitcake Recipe.

    1 cup water
    1 cup sugar
    4 large eggs
    2 cups dried fruit
    1 tsp baking soda
    1 tsp salt
    1 cup brown sugar
    lemon juice
    nuts
    1 gal whiskey

    Method

    Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink, repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

    Make sure the whiskey is still ok. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

    Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next sift 2 cups of salt, or something, who cares? Check the whiskey.

    Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

    Throw the bowl out of the window, Check the whiskey again. Go to bed and have dreams of a fat man in a red suit with children with strange pointy ears, dressed in green by your bed.

    LOL Merry CHRISTmas

  11. #26
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Did you know Bach had some 10-14 children?

    They say there were no stops on his organ.

    Did you hear about the man who went streaking throught the church?

    They caught him by the organ.

  12. #27
    Administrator Krummhorn's Avatar
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    Marval,
    Those last ones were great ... especially the whiskey one - lol. I howled at that one.
    Kh ~~.
    Administrator


    Amateur musicians practice until they get it right ...
    Pro
    fessional musicians practice until they can't get it wrong ...


  13. #28
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    I'm so glad you liked them Krummhorn. They do say laughter is the best medicine.

  14. #29
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Here are some unfortunate notices.

    In a toilet

    Toilet out of order please use floor below

    In a Laundry

    Automatic washing machines, please remove all your clothes when the light goes out

    In a store

    Bargain basement upstairs

    In an office

    Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday, please bring it back or further steps will be taken

    In an office

    After tea break staff should empty the teapot, and stand upside down on the draining board

    Outside a second hand shop

    We exchange anything, bicyles,washing machines. etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain

    In health food shop window

    Closed due to illness

    In a safari park

    Elephants please stay in your car

    During a conference

    For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor

    In a farmers field

    The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

    On a repair shop door

    We can repair anything, (please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work

  15. #30
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    How all careers end.

    Lawyers are disbarred

    Ministers are defrocked

    Electricians are delighted / refused

    Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented

    Drunks are distilled

    Alpine climbers are dismounted

    Piano tuners are unstrung

    Orchestra leaders are disbanded

    Artists models are deposed

    Cooks are deranged

    Nudists are redressed

    Office clerks are defiled

    Mediums are dispirited

    Programmers are decoded

    Accountants are discredited

    Pastry chefs are deserted

    Perfume makers are dissented

    Butterfly collectors are debugged

    Students are degraded

    Bodybuilders are rebuffed

    Underwear models are debriefed

    Painters are discoloured

    Judges are disappointed

    Vegas dealers are discarded

    Mathematicians are discounted

    Tree surgeons disembark

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