The Jokes Thread

[teddy]

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.
Life was tough in the gateau.

teddy

[teddy]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life,
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure that I'm well fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

teddy

[Dorsetmike]

Top 10 funniest jokes from the Fringe Festival 2012

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name?.......................... Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.............. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why."

6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics ---------- I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon,------------- but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.--------------- Riveting."

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained:----------------- 'It's not rocket salad'."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[teddy]

In case you were wondering:

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.

- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

- People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.

- People born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

teddy

[teddy]

Paddy takes his stuffed dog to the Antiques Road Show for a valuation
The expert asks him what he thinks it would fetch, were it in perfect condition.

"Sticks" replies Paddy

teddy

[marval]

John Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks,boss," he says "I knew I could count on you!"

[teddy]

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER.
Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn
your ass tomorrow.- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

teddy

[teddy]

A local thief who the police have been after for years last week was arrested after stealing a combined harvester. He is expected to be bailed tomorrow.



teddy

[Dorsetmike]

Prime Minister Cameron walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Cameron: "Truthfully, I did not ring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain !!!"

Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."

Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Cameron: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Justin Rose came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Justin Rose he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Justin Rose and cashed his cheque.




Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..
So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Britain ?"


Cameron stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind."" I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"

[marval]

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news programme.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.

One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

[marval]

The Aussie Version of Creation


In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach..... And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans, chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good.....

Well.... Almost good....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.

It was better than that, it was Awesome!

[Dorsetmike]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....





'Go get your Mother'

[marval]

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbour back.

"Good morning, Mr.Williams, I Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

[marval]

Julian and Michelle were newlyweds.

Julian thought this would be a modern marriage, meaning they would each play equal roles. So, the first morning after their honeymoon, he brought Michelle breakfast in bed.

However, Michelle wasn't at all impressed by his culinary skills. Looking disdainfully at the tray, she snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the following morning, Julian brought his new bride a scrambled egg.

Unfortunately, Michelle wasn't satisfied. "Did you ever stop to think that perhaps I like variety?" she snapped. "I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please her, the next morning, he brought her two eggs .one poached and one scrambled.

"Here, my darling, enjoy," he said cheerfully.

Michelle was infuriated. "You scrambled the wrong egg!" she screamed.

[JHC]

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'..
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.