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Thread: The Jokes Thread

  1. #31
    Rear Admiral Appassionata Muza's Avatar
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    haha, those two are great, marval
    Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass? ~Michael Torke

  2. #32
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    Hi Ms. Margaret,

    You forgot one:

    Composers will decompose

    Cheers,

    Corno Dolce
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  3. #33
    Administrator Krummhorn's Avatar
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    And ... Old musicians never fade away - they keep going from bar to bar.
    Kh ~~.
    Administrator


    Amateur musicians practice until they get it right ...
    Pro
    fessional musicians practice until they can't get it wrong ...


  4. #34
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    Hi Krummhorn,

    And... old organists never pipe down
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  5. #35
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Very good additions from both of you.

  6. #36
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    Thanx Ms. Margaret...
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  7. #37
    Administrator Krummhorn's Avatar
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by Corno Dolce View Post
    Hi Krummhorn,

    And... old organists never pipe down
    I've never heard that one, Corno Dolce ... Laughing my socks off

    Not a joke, but certainly humorous "alternate" lyrics for the well known hymn tune: St. Denio: (Immortal, Invisible, God Only Wise)

    Immoral, impossible, God only knows
    how tenors and basses, sopranos, altos
    at service on Sunday are rarely the same
    as those who on Thursday to choir practice came.

    Unready, unable to sight-read the notes
    nor counting, nor blending, they tighten their throats.
    The descant so piercing is soaring above
    the melody only a mother could love.

    They have a director, but no one knows why.
    No one in the choir deigns turn him an eye.
    It's clear by his waving, he wants them to look,
    but each of them stands with his nose in the book.

    Despite the offenses, the music rings out.
    The folks in the pews are enraptured, no doubt.
    Their faces are blissful, their thoughts are so deep,
    But it is no wonder, for they are asleep

    Kh ~~.
    Administrator


    Amateur musicians practice until they get it right ...
    Pro
    fessional musicians practice until they can't get it wrong ...


  8. #38
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    Thanx you most blessed, honored, and most dear Krummhorn for sharing the alternate text to the St. Denio tune. I heard it many years ago and busted my ribs with laughter. Again you brought me great mirth and merriment

    Thank you dear sir,

    Corno Dolce

    ps. Sooooooooo true - life does imitate art - you can wave all you want as choir director but sometimes being a choir director is like herding cats.
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  9. #39
    Rear Admiral Appassionata
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    Tell me about it. I'm crying with laughter here...

  10. #40
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    That alternate text was really funny.

    Here's more laughter I hope.



    A new paster moved into town, and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
    All went well until he came to one house.
    It was obvious that someone was home, but no-one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times.
    Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

    The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10". Upon opening his Bible to the passage his face turned red, and he let out a roar of laughter.

    Revelation 3:20 reads "Behold, I stand at the door and knock, if any man hear my voice, and opens the door I will come in to him, and will dine with him and he with me".

    Genesis 3:10 Reads "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked".

  11. Likes elderpiano liked this post
  12. #41
    Admiral of Fugues Contratrombone64's Avatar
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    First graders ...

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,"Harry, what's your problem ?"

    Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !"

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal :"What is 3 x 3 ?"

    Harry :"9."

    Principal : "What is 6 x 6 ?"

    Harry : "36."

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
    "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

    Ms. Brooks says to theprincipal," Let me ask him some questions."

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks,"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?"

    Harry, after a moment:"Legs."

    Ms Brooks:"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?"

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

    Harry replied :"Pockets."

    Ms. Brooks :"What does a dog do that a man steps into ?"

    Harry :"Pants."

    Ms. Brooks :What starts with a C, ends with a T , is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?"

    Harry : " Coconut."

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks :" What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?"
    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

    Ms. Brooks :
    "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?"

    Harry :"Shake hands."

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks :"What word starts with an ' F' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?"

    Harry :"Fire truck."

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher," Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

  13. #42
    Rear Admiral Appassionata
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    ROFLMAO CT64 - that's hillarious.

  14. #43
    Rear Admiral Appassionata
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    nice one marval

  15. #44
    Rear Admiral Appassionata Muza's Avatar
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    very nice indeed!!!!!!!!!!!
    Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass? ~Michael Torke

  16. #45
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Hi CT64

    Very funny joke.



    Naval Bloopers

    Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of naval operations.

    Radio #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

    Radio #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision.

    #1: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course.

    #2: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.

    #1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW.

    #2: This is a lighthouse, your call.

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