The Jokes Thread

[NEB]

Now that doesn't surprise me. hahahahahahahahaha.

[Corno Dolce]

I have heard that joke but then the ship was a 750,000 ton oil tanker ship that just about hit the rock of Gibraltar while on its way to deliver oil to Spain.

[marval]

Two dogs and a cat tried to get into the local opera house. "I'm sorry", said the doorman "animals aren't allowed in. "But we're very musical animals", said one of the dogs. "I Bach, he Offenbach and she is Debussy.

[NEB]

uuuuuuuuuuuGH! That's really bad.

[NEB]

in fact almost as bad as the piano teacher who left a note on her door saying

"Gone Chopin - be Bach in 3 minuets"

boomboom

[marval]

So that's what it's for.

Miss Bea the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a ******. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea", he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (Pointing to the bowl).

"Oh Yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little Package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter!!"



And my prayer for this thread.


Give me a sense of humour Lord
Give me the grace to see a joke
To get some humour out of life
And pass it on to other folk.

[Corno Dolce]

Yaaah - And the short-tempered clavier accompanied by other dysfunctional instruments...

[NEB]

There's no need to Harp on about it though...

[Krummhorn]

The parlor organ one ... that's always a favorite of mine, Marval ... I laugh everytime I read it.

Here's another alternate hymn verse - The tune is "Gather Us In" (10 9 10 10 D) written by Marty Haugen:

Gather Them In (for Thanksgiving)

Here in this place, our family's meeting -
Grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts -
Getting in place for dinnertime seating,
And to my mother they're chanting these chants:

"Gather them in, the turkey and stuffing,
Gather them in, the gravy and ham!
And don't forget that Thanksgiving dinner
Just ain't complete without cranberry jam!"

Out in the den my uncles were spitting
Curse words in front of the big screen TV
While watching football (totally fitting):
Visitors thirty, home team only three.

"Gather them in," my mother requested:
"Gather them in, lest dinner gets cold."
And though at first, my uncles protested,
Watching the walloping quickly grew old.

Gone from this place, my sister's new diet.
Brother's already demanding more food.
To our surprise, the in-laws are quiet -
No petty fighting to break up the mood.

"Gather the beans, the corn and potatoes."
"Gather the pot roast, gather the bread."
"Haven't you got too many tomatoes?
Just one more bite will render you dead."

After our dinner, everyone's groaning,
Grousing, complaining, that they ate too much.
And this one thought has my cousins moaning:
Turkey breast sandwiches for next week's lunch.

"Gather them in, the Pepto-dash-Bismol,
Gather them in, the Pepcid AC.
Please do it quick, cuz' we're feeling dismal,
Next year we'll limit our helpings to three!"

[Contratrombone64]

marvel - wonderful joke about the ****** in the glass bowl, made me laugh

[marval]

Hi Krummhorn

I really liked your alternate hymn verses.

I don't know if you know these two.


"A new text for Aurelia (The church's one foundation)"

Our organs firm foundations
are diapasons fat
installed in nineteen twenty
from that day since they've sat.
From Boston, Mass, we sought it
the object of our pride
for fifteen grand we bought it
when our old tracker died.

Elect from every family
of pipes that give a toot
its great specification
one string, one reed, one flute
and leathered diapasons
at sixteen, eight and four
and sub and super couplers
how could one ask for more.

Yet with a scornful wonder
men hear it sore opprest
by ciphers rent assunder
by windline leaks distresst
yet choirboys are listening
their cry goes up how long
before this hoot and hissing
cease drowning out our song.

Yet still we oil the swellshades
each month with three-in-one
and grease the motor bearings
to quiet down its run
O miserable contraption
lord grant us funds that we
may junk it for a tracker
with pressures under three.


The lost chord.

Seated one day at the organ, I was cranky, tired and hot
then the choir rehearsal started but my poor brain did not
I knew not what I was playing or what I was dreaming then
but I struck one note of dischord like the sound of a screeching hen
like the music of Messiaen.

It cut through the choir's sweet voices like a knife that is sharp and keen
and it brought to my mind the sound of a pileup on I.15
the basses began to snicker the altos joined in with glee
till all eight parts were laughing it was SSAATTBB.

I turned five shades of crimson and looked for a place to hide
but trapped I was with the choir at my left hand the audience at my right side
I have sought to forget but vainly that rumble much maligned
which came from the bowels of the organ but sounded like it came from mine.

It may be that soon I'l live down my feelings of guilt and shame
it may be that early retirement would ease my sense of pain
it may be that note will haunt me the rest of my mortal life
it may be that only in Heaven I shall hear that note played right.

[NEB]

some nice alternate versions goin on there. The only alternate versions I know are so rude I couldn't print them...

[Contratrombone64]

Love to way you Yanks use alternate as an verb and a noun (very amusing). I think "alternative" isn't in your Miriam Websters, eh?

Marval - your verses made me laugh and laugh, I must print them off and pop them on the organ stool this Sunday. I can see Peter's shoulders moving up and down as he laughs (but makes no sound) (Peter, quite obviously, being out esteemed organist).

[Contratrombone64]

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'


'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'

'I should be in charge,' said the stomach,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'

'I should be in charge,' said the legs,'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'

'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'

'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The arse hole is usually the one in charge!

[Krummhorn]

Marval ... I split a gut on the Aurelia - what a gem for organists and organ techs.
And Sir Arthur Sullivan is at this moment rolling over in this grave ... lol ...

CT64 ...
Great one ...

A yanks explanation on "Alternate" vs "Alternative" ... lol
Alternate means Alternative as well ... but the word "Alternative" has this explanation in an online dictionary:

"Some traditionalists hold that alternative should be used only in situations where the number of choices involved is exactly two, because of the word's historical relation to Latin alter, "the other of two."

You are right though, alternative sounds more proper than alternate, although our hymnals in the ELCA use 'alternate' when noting a particular hymn has a different setting of music.