The Jokes Thread

[Contratrombone64]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
"the balcony."


================================


Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged:

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

still laughing at those Christmas cards, Mat, thanks

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Stranded on a desert island

On nine beautiful deserted islands, in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:​

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman​

One month later, the situation is as follows:​

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.​

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trios.​

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.​

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.​

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.​

The Bulgarian men, after looking at their stalwart Bulgarian woman, have started swimming.​

The two English men are still waiting for someone to come by and formally introduce them to the English woman.​

The Irish men began by dividing the island into North and South. They then quickly set up a high-volume distillery. Because they get sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey -- causing their manhood to become quite limp -- sex never becomes a fighting issue... Anyway, they are quite satisfied knowing that at least the English men are not getting any.​

The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own temple; the true nature of modern feminism; how she can do everything that they can do; about the necessity for her personal fulfilment; the equal division of all household chores; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer; and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men are contemplating suicide.​

 

[Corno Dolce]

Ok, I'll get a little ribald now...

Two lesbians who had met in a bar one evening rented a motel room and had an amourous interlude. The next morning one of them looked the other in the eyes and said: *You da man*!!!

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Ok, I'll get a little ribald now...

Two lesbians who had met in a bar one evening rented a motel room and had an amourous interlude. The next morning one of them looked the other in the eyes and said: *You da man*!!!

Right sir Corno Dolce :tiphat::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Just a little ribald...

 

[marval]

God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.

The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.' And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.' And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.

And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

 

[Corno Dolce]

There can be a kernel of truth to that which you shared Ms. Margaret :grin::grin::grin:

 

[marval]

Yes I think so.


Margaret

 

[Mat]

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science
classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He
sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for
the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled,
then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen,
and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

 

[Mat]

By the way

Margaret - awesome jokes:lol:

 

[marval]

Thank you Mat,

Yours are always good, liked the "available in attractive containers" very funny.


Margaret

 

[Mat]

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

[marval]

HaHa Mat


Margaret

 

[Corno Dolce]

Late one night in Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. *Give me your money*, he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, *You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!* "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

 

[marval]

Nice one CD.

Margaret

 

[marval]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door, The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is 3 o’clock in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife. Just some drunk asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks. No I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there.”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?” “ I think you should be ashamed of yourself.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” came back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes please,” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.


“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

 

[Mat]

ROTFL (and three more characters)

 

[Mat]

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult
you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that
I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and
then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd
like to make a little change..."

 

[marval]

Very funny Mat


Margaret

 

[marval]

A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there was a monkey just sitting along the side of the road.

Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. "You need a lift?" he asked. The monkey just stared back at him, and scratched his leg. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again.

At this time there was a state trooper cruising down in the opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over a few miles down the road.

The policeman told the man off for picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo immediately. The man agreed and was off.

The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, "I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo."

"I did," replied the man, "and we had so much fun that today we're going to Sea World".

 

[Mat]

How nice we have this thread. I laughed.