The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Think about it........
If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ Sweet Corn
funny
funny
methodistgirl
New member
The earth one day was talking to the other planets and the moon and
she asked this question. "Can you guys do this?
"She started to
blow and sing and took a deep breath and let it out. Then she blew
again. Jupiter he looked at how small she was and hummed.
Saturn looked at the earth and cradled her in his arms and made some
kind of weird noise that sounded like a ghost. She said,"No! No! NO!
Do like this. Guys can't you sing either?" The planets looked
at each other and shook their rings. She looked at the other planets
and said,"To be so pretty, you guys are dead as a doornail.,".
judy tooleyYouTube - How Earth Sounds from Space
she asked this question. "Can you guys do this?
"She started toblow and sing and took a deep breath and let it out. Then she blew
again
. Jupiter he looked at how small she was and hummed.Saturn looked at the earth and cradled her in his arms and made some
kind of weird noise that sounded like a ghost. She said,"No! No! NO!
Do like this.
Guys can't you sing either?" The planets lookedat each other and shook their rings. She looked at the other planets
and said,"To be so pretty, you guys are dead as a doornail.
,".judy tooleyYouTube - How Earth Sounds from Space
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Cute Judy!
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
God was sitting in Heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you any more. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so??? Explain..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God..."Just wait a cotton-pickin minute there, son - Get you own dirt!"
"Oh, is that so??? Explain..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no..." interrupts God..."Just wait a cotton-pickin minute there, son - Get you own dirt!"
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Two clergymen decided to escape to Hawaii for their holiday. In order not to be recognised by their congregation, they decide to wear outrageous and colourful clothing. So they head off the a touristy store in Honolulu and buy some Hawaiian shirts and shorts, put them on and take off to the beach. The two clergymen are lying on the sand enjoying some peace when this drop-dead-gorgeous topless burnette walks past. As she passes them she looks down and says "Morning father. Morning father" to them both in turn. Startled they head off back to Honolulu's shop and buy even more garish shirts and bejewel their necks with flowers and head off home. The next day, down to the beach they go with their new, more colourful outfits resplendant and they stake their spot. Again, this stunningly gorgeous brunette walks past and greets them both. One of the Clergymen gets up and rushes to the brunette. "Excuse me, sorry for prying, but do we know you??" Oh, father, of course: it's sister Angela.
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marval
New member
The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I knew just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spine.
I don't know how but I tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.
I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.
At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I knew just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spine.
I don't know how but I tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.
I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.
At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)
Golf in the Bedroom
Rules of Play
Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and
two balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the
hole.
For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are
permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is
satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
denied permission to play
the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course.
The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire
course, with special
attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played,
or are currently
playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have
been known to
damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly
when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players
have been known to
become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
considered to be a private
course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play
at this time.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the
back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker
pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same course several
times in one month.
Rules of Play
Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and
two balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the
hole.
For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are
permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is
satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in
denied permission to play
the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course.
The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire
course, with special
attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played,
or are currently
playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have
been known to
damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly
when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players
have been known to
become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they
considered to be a private
course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be
embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternate means of play
at this time.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the
back nine.
Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker
pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same course several
times in one month.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Mat - there is a devious and wicked side to you, yes? LOL
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
"bite me" @ mat!
LOL
LOL
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young
man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she
was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to
the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart
aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and
bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his
Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do
that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you
can do when you're old and rich!"
========================
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four
'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your
seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six
good leads."
========================================
The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate
because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD
will save me".
The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the
second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save
him. Again he said "GOD will save me".
Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on
the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and
yet again he said "GOD will save me".
It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man
died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save
me, GOD?"
And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did
you stay in the house?"
man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she
was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to
the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart
aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and
bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his
Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do
that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you
can do when you're old and rich!"
========================
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me
father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want
to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,
but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four
'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your
seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over
and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six
good leads."
========================================
The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate
because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD
will save me".
The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the
second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save
him. Again he said "GOD will save me".
Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on
the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and
yet again he said "GOD will save me".
It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man
died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save
me, GOD?"
And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did
you stay in the house?"
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