Page 6 of 235 FirstFirst 12345678910111213141656106 ... LastLast
Results 76 to 90 of 3522

Thread: The Jokes Thread

  1. #76
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Moscow, Russia
    Posts
    10,538
    Post Thanks / Like
    Yeah Krummhorn,

    Thank goodness it was not a tart - I remember a middle-aged attorney in New York who was caught in carnal relations with a teenage girl. He was charged with rape. She cried out in the courtroom in his defense and said that he didn't rape her and that she wanted an experienced lover. What was the guy thinking??? Sheeesh!!!!!!!

    Cheers,

    Corno Dolce
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  2. #77
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,210
    Post Thanks / Like
    Here's one about a lawyer defending a man accused of burglary.

    My client merely inserted his arm into the window, and removed a few small items.
    His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence commited by his limb.

    Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

    The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

  3. #78
    Administrator Krummhorn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Tucson, Arizona
    Posts
    7,952
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    3
    Oohh, Marval ... that was absolutely rich ... I can just picture the awe on the judge's face ...
    Kh ~~.
    Administrator


    Amateur musicians practice until they get it right ...
    Pro
    fessional musicians practice until they can't get it wrong ...


  4. #79
    Rear Admiral Appassionata Muza's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    San Francisco, CA
    Posts
    1,196
    Post Thanks / Like
    thats just exactkt why our court system does not work!!!
    Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass? ~Michael Torke

  5. #80
    Rear Admiral Appassionata
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    1,055
    Post Thanks / Like
    Hahahaha -Problem is - that's then a precedent that can be re-used until a high court (or what ever you call them) overturns/overrules it.

    You gotta admire tha balls on that lawyer. hehehehehehe....

  6. #81
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,210
    Post Thanks / Like
    I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, after my wife had gone into labour, and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me. "Congratulations sir, your'e the father of twins".

    The man replied "How about that, I work for the Doublemint chewing gum company".

    An hour later the nurse came in and announced that Mr.Smith's wife had had triplets. Mr Smith stood up and said "Well how do you like that, I work for the 3M company".

    Then the man sitting next to me got up and started to leave, When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked. "I think I need a breath of fresh air, I work for 7-up.

  7. #82
    Administrator Krummhorn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Tucson, Arizona
    Posts
    7,952
    Post Thanks / Like
    Blog Entries
    3
    Marval ... I've never heard that one before ... Splendid
    Kh ~~.
    Administrator


    Amateur musicians practice until they get it right ...
    Pro
    fessional musicians practice until they can't get it wrong ...


  8. #83
    Rear Admiral Appassionata
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    1,055
    Post Thanks / Like
    A child was playing with her friends in the playground. Running around and dancing to music, when she tripped and fell heavily on a kerbstone and hurt her Arm.

    She was quickly taken to the hospital and an xray confirmed that the Arm was indeed fractured.

    A young doctor came into the room where she was waiting for treatment and said

    "My my, what have we been doing?"

    "Breakdancing sir!" Came the quick response.....


    (True story!)

  9. #84
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,210
    Post Thanks / Like
    HaHa I like that one. Quick thinking reply from the child. I've done it so I know it hurts.


    Margaret

  10. #85
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,210
    Post Thanks / Like
    Old Seth has been a farmer all his life, up at 5am. 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. No matter what the weather, and back to bed at 11pm.. He had led a hard life, supported by his wife Bess, who bore his children and ran the home.

    Seth then retired and had time on his hands. he read the newpapers, and when he had finished he read the women's magazines which Bess bought.

    After reading "What the doctor says" in one of them, he calls Bess.

    "Come here lass, I've found out what's been wrong all these years".

    "Oh! and what would that be"? asks Bess. "Well the doctor here says that when we make love you should moan, so next time we make love, I want you to moan".

    So the next time they cosy up Bess says "shall I moan now"? "No lass, I'll tell you when to moan" says Seth. At the right moment he says "Now lass moan".


    "Well Seth, just look at the state of the ceiling, if I've told you a thousand times, the cracks need filling and it needs painting.

  11. #86
    Admiral of Fugues Contratrombone64's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    5,340
    Post Thanks / Like
    LOL @ marval ... I think

  12. #87
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,210
    Post Thanks / Like
    A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his two words.

    "Cold floors", he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.

    He clears his throat and says. "Bad food". They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.
    "I Quit", he says.

    "Thats not suprising", the elders say..."You've done nothing but complain since you've been here".



    Soon after our high-tec company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck between floors, and after some door banging, finally attracted attention, His name was taken and rescue promised.

    It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived, and got the manager out. When he got back to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary.
    "The elevator people called, and will be here in two hours".

  13. #88
    Rear Admiral Appassionata
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    1,055
    Post Thanks / Like
    I like it!

  14. #89
    Commodore con Forza Andrew Roussak's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Karlsruhe, Germany
    Posts
    614
    Post Thanks / Like
    Marval, that one with old Seth was coooooool!!!!

    A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the
    house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would
    return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The
    wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early,
    alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As
    the
    woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining
    room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master
    bedroom.

    She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey,
    "Jervis,
    I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully
    over
    a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter

    belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to
    remove
    my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing
    heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him
    and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're
    fired!"
    "Once you have tasted flight, you will ever walk with your eyes turned skywards; for there you have been, and there you long to return." - Leonardo Da Vinci


    www.andrew-roussak.com

  15. #90
    Rear Admiral Appassionata Muza's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    San Francisco, CA
    Posts
    1,196
    Post Thanks / Like
    haha, I definitely did not see that coming
    Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass? ~Michael Torke

Page 6 of 235 FirstFirst 12345678910111213141656106 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Musical jokes
    By Gareth in forum Community Center and Chat Forum
    Replies: 189
    Last Post: Oct-09-2012, 22:54
  2. The completely off topic thread...
    By Frederik Magle in forum Community Center and Chat Forum
    Replies: 40
    Last Post: Jun-07-2012, 06:34
  3. the internet music resources thread
    By prokop in forum General Music Debate Forum
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: Nov-08-2006, 08:09

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •