The Jokes Thread

[Corno Dolce]

Yeah Krummhorn,

Thank goodness it was not a tart - I remember a middle-aged attorney in New York who was caught in carnal relations with a teenage girl. He was charged with rape. She cried out in the courtroom in his defense and said that he didn't rape her and that she wanted an experienced lover. What was the guy thinking??? Sheeesh!!!!!!!

Cheers,

Corno Dolce

[marval]

Here's one about a lawyer defending a man accused of burglary.

My client merely inserted his arm into the window, and removed a few small items.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence commited by his limb.

Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[Krummhorn]

Oohh, Marval ... that was absolutely rich ... I can just picture the awe on the judge's face ...

[Muza]

thats just exactkt why our court system does not work!!!

[NEB]

Hahahaha -Problem is - that's then a precedent that can be re-used until a high court (or what ever you call them) overturns/overrules it.

You gotta admire tha balls on that lawyer. hehehehehehe....

[marval]

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, after my wife had gone into labour, and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me. "Congratulations sir, your'e the father of twins".

The man replied "How about that, I work for the Doublemint chewing gum company".

An hour later the nurse came in and announced that Mr.Smith's wife had had triplets. Mr Smith stood up and said "Well how do you like that, I work for the 3M company".

Then the man sitting next to me got up and started to leave, When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked. "I think I need a breath of fresh air, I work for 7-up.

[Krummhorn]

Marval ... I've never heard that one before ... Splendid

[NEB]

A child was playing with her friends in the playground. Running around and dancing to music, when she tripped and fell heavily on a kerbstone and hurt her Arm.

She was quickly taken to the hospital and an xray confirmed that the Arm was indeed fractured.

A young doctor came into the room where she was waiting for treatment and said

"My my, what have we been doing?"

"Breakdancing sir!" Came the quick response.....


(True story!)

[marval]

HaHa I like that one. Quick thinking reply from the child. I've done it so I know it hurts.


Margaret

[marval]

Old Seth has been a farmer all his life, up at 5am. 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. No matter what the weather, and back to bed at 11pm.. He had led a hard life, supported by his wife Bess, who bore his children and ran the home.

Seth then retired and had time on his hands. he read the newpapers, and when he had finished he read the women's magazines which Bess bought.

After reading "What the doctor says" in one of them, he calls Bess.

"Come here lass, I've found out what's been wrong all these years".

"Oh! and what would that be"? asks Bess. "Well the doctor here says that when we make love you should moan, so next time we make love, I want you to moan".

So the next time they cosy up Bess says "shall I moan now"? "No lass, I'll tell you when to moan" says Seth. At the right moment he says "Now lass moan".


"Well Seth, just look at the state of the ceiling, if I've told you a thousand times, the cracks need filling and it needs painting.

[Contratrombone64]

LOL @ marval ... I think

[marval]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his two words.

"Cold floors", he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.

He clears his throat and says. "Bad food". They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.
"I Quit", he says.

"Thats not suprising", the elders say..."You've done nothing but complain since you've been here".



Soon after our high-tec company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck between floors, and after some door banging, finally attracted attention, His name was taken and rescue promised.

It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived, and got the manager out. When he got back to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary.
"The elevator people called, and will be here in two hours".

[NEB]

I like it!

[Andrew Roussak]

Marval, that one with old Seth was coooooool!!!!

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the
house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would
return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The
wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early,
alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As
the
woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining
room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master
bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey,
"Jervis,
I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully
over
a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter

belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to
remove
my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing
heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him
and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're
fired!"

[Muza]

haha, I definitely did not see that coming