Kudos, Andrew ... that's a new one for me ... great punch line at the end
Kudos, Andrew ... that's a new one for me ... great punch line at the end
Amateur musicians practice until they get it right ...
Professional musicians practice until they can't get it wrong ...
A guy on a plane strikes up a conversation with a beautiful female next to him.
He says, "What are you headed to Las Vegas for?"
She replies, "I'm headed to the prostitute's convention to present a paper debunking myths."
He asks, "For example?"
She replies, "The Frenchman is reputed to be the best lover and actually it's the Jewish man, and the Afro-american is supposed to be the best endowed but it's really the Native American. Oh, I've been talking to you and I don't even know your name."
He says, "Hi, my name is Tonto Goldstein."
THE PERKS OF BEING 40 & OVER
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses
10.You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
11.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14.You sing along with elevator music.
15.Your eyes won't get much worse.
16.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17.Your joints are more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Make sure you study these to learn proper guy etiquette!
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
********. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy
is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal
is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission
and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to
think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit
back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more!
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations,
a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not, unless you are gay.
tsk tsk tsk @ NEB (over flowing with testosterone are we?)
Now that would be difficult......
What do you call a nun on a bicycle?
Not sure, but it's virgin on the ridiculous.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers. By the way , the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
Engineer: Took hammer away from midget
I've heard that before - but it still cracks me up...
A Tom cat goes out on the prowl. As he is walking down an alley, a female cat comes up to him and says "Meow", and rubs up againt him.
The Tom cat looks at her and says "woof"
"What's that?. says the female cat. "Oh" says the Tom cat, "I'm learning a new language".
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Mississippi River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower: "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Alphie and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
A group of kindergartners was trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done?
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked Alex what he had done?
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the ****".
Well if the previous ones havn't gotten me brought up on charges yet, this one probably will but what the heck - it's funny all the same!
A husband and a wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced... "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."