The Jokes Thread

NEB

New member
A guy is not getting along with his wife, and is lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to find a companion. He spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."

The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time.

"What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.


"I don't know," says the parrot. "I GOT A HARD-ON AND FELL OFF MY PERCH!!"
 

NEB

New member
Sorry about that Chief.

Trying again:

He laid her on the table, So white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, And then, drooling, felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms, And then ..........
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.....he stuffed the turkey!
May I be the first to wish you Happy Thanksgiving!!!
What were you thinking??? Shame on you!!!!!
 

NEB

New member
There was a young woman of Natchez
Whose clothes always had patches
When asked about this
Replied the saucy miss
Well, when I itches, I scratches.
 

NEB

New member
How many times have you been standing in a queue. You are the last person in queue, and someone comes up and asks "Is this the back of the queue?"

Happens to me all the time. Just ONCE I promise I am actually going to say what I am always thinking:

"No, it's the front of the queue, and we're all just standing backwards."
 

marval

New member
A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 comandments. He sat through the whole sermon, and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over, and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost, but after hearing your sermon on the 10 comandments, I changed my mind".

The minister said "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shalt not steal' that you changed your heart". The man responded, "No it was the one on adultery, When you started to preach on that I remembered where I had left my hat".
 

marval

New member
He got her on the table
he got her on the chair
he got her on the window seat
but couldn't do it there.

He got her on the floor
and then she had to laugh
for all he really wanted
was to take her photograph.
 

NEB

New member
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.Robertson's son.

2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of
$500,000.

4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
 

NEB

New member
ok so this guy goes into an empty restroom goes up to the urinal and starts doin his thing. all of a sudden a leprechaun walks into the bathroom in full attire and says to the man, (irish accent)

"hello, young man, i am a leprechaun and a granter of wishes, would you like to be granted any wish you choose?"

the man, suprised, readily agrees. the leprachaun then replies,

"well, before i can grant you your wish i must secure your hands and feet so that when you receive what you wish for you will be restrained and be able to better decide if that is what you really wish for. many times a man may rush upon gold or women and then realize their wish lies elsewhere."

the man, ponders a beat and gives his consent realizing the wisdom of the leprechaun's words.

the leprechaun then proceeds to tie the man to the urinal. once completed and satisfied with the job, the leprechaun begins to undress himself revealing a rather large leprechaun penis. the man then says,

"Uhhh, what are you doing, do I get my wish n..."

the leprechaun hastily interrupts and asks,
"sonny, how old are you?"

the man replies,
"um, 36."

the leprechaun smiles and then snides,
"aren't you a little old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
 

NEB

New member
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One
says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other,
who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off her glasses
and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

She says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the
cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The guy says, "I don't know."

"Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know I love this forum?"
 

NEB

New member
A blond was walking by the travel agent and saw a sign that said Cruise for £29.
She walked in and plunked her money on the table.
The agent grabbed her, tied her to an inner tube and threw her into the river out back.

Another blond walked in a few minutes later, plunked down her money and she too was grabbed, tied to an inner tube and thrown into the river out back.

The current was swift, so she caught up with the first blond and they both floated together for a while.

She asked..."do they serve drinks on this cruise?"

The first blond said.... "they didn't last time."
 

methodistgirl

New member
Sorry about that Chief.

Trying again:

He laid her on the table, So white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, And then, drooling, felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms, And then ..........
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.....he stuffed the turkey!
May I be the first to wish you Happy Thanksgiving!!!
What were you thinking??? Shame on you!!!!!

Very funny!:eek::grin:
judy tooley
 

NEB

New member
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hello! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Delroy down in the Pinkie's Bar and Lounge in Spanish Town, Jamaica. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."
"Well, Delroy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Delroy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Patrick, me next door neighbour Andy, me brederin Shorty, and the entire dominoes team from the Bar. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Delroy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"wha yu say man?!", said Delroy. "mek me call you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Delroy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on!
We have whole heap more equipment fi use pon unnu!"
"And what equipment would that be, Delroy?", Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two skettels, a water commission bulldozer, and Mr McKintosh old farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Delroy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armoured personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
"lawd ave mercy !", said Delroy. "mek mi call yu back again."
Sure enough, Delroy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We are now airborne! we ave captured a JDF helicopter, and four youth from the corner league 6 a- side have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Delroy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"a wha dis fadda ?!", said Delroy. "mi will call yu back."
Sure enough Delroy called again the next day.
" mornin' Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we calling off the war."
"I'm intrigued," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Delroy, "mi and di bredrin dem reason 'bout this thing lastnight at the bar and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
 

NEB

New member
A Gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.


He found out from the local technical college what was involved,
signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.


When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a Score of 150%.


Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error which needs adjusting."


The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
 

NEB

New member
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic you use feathers.
Kinky you use the whole chicken.
 

NEB

New member
I'm gonna stop there for today - I've got litterally stacks of funny material littering my Hard drive. I'll post some more of it if I'm still on the forum tomorrow and not banned! lol
 

marval

New member
Hey Some good material there.
Lets see if I can post this without being banned.


Everybody I know who has a dog, usually calls him Rover or Spot, I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city Hall to renew the dog's license. I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "but she is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said "you don't understand...I have had Sex since I was nine years old". He replied, "you must have been a very strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. he told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said "but Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life, and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked in to the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said "you don't understand...Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest, he said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on tv". he called me a show off

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "your honour, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married." The judge said "me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more darn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day, when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "what seems to be the trouble?"
I replied "Sex has been my best friend all my life, but now it has left me for ever, I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
 

marval

New member
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagara pills to satisfy all 3 of them."

The doctor says "you know 3 Viagara pills 3 nights in a row, is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday, so that I can check you out."

The man say "you have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling

The doctor says "what happened?"

The man answered "nobody showed up."
 
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marval

New member
There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes of golf, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them, hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back, the first guy asks what's wrong.
He says "one of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "that could be a problem, I'll go over." he gets about half way there and comes back .
The second guy asks "what's wrong?"
The first guy answers, "small world."
 

marval

New member
Here is some medical terminology.

Artery - Study of paintings
Bacteria - Backdoor of cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel - Letter like A.E.I.O.U.
Caesarean section - District in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Make eye contact with her
Colic - Sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
Diarrhea - Journal of daily events
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker
Fibula - A small lie
G.I. series - Soldiers ball game
Grippe - Suitcase
hangnail - Coathook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Intense pain - Torture in a teepee
Labour pain - Got hurt at work
Medical staff - Doctor's cane
Morbid - Higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - Person who had fainted
Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - Favouring young people
Rectum - It almost killed him
Recovery room - Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - Amorous
Scar - Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - Study of knighthood
Tablet - Small table
Terminal illness - Sickness at airport
Tibia - Country in North Africa
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of your out
Varicose - Located nearby
Vein - conceited
 
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