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Thread: The Jokes Thread

  1. #106
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    Oh yes, some very good ones there. No charges because they are very funny.

  2. #107
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    Mar 2007
    1970: Long hair
    2000: Longing for hair

    1970: The perfect high.
    2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

    1970: Keg.
    2000: EKG.

    1970: Acid Rock.
    2000: Acid Reflux.

    1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
    2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

    1970: Growing pot.
    2000: Growing pot belly.

    1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
    2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

    1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
    2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

    1970: Seeds and stems.
    2000: Roughage.

    1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
    2000: Popping joints.

    1970: U.S. president's struggle with Fidel.
    2000: U.S. president's struggle with fidelity.

    1970: Killer weed.
    2000: Weed killer.

    1970: Hoping for a BMW.
    2000: Hoping for a BM.

    1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
    2000: Getting a new hip joint.

    1970: Rolling Stones.
    2000: Kidney stones.

    1970: Being called into the principal's office.
    2000: Calling the principal's office.

    1970: Screw the system!
    2000: Upgrade the system!

    1970: Peace sign.
    2000: Mercedes logo.

    1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
    2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

    1970: Take acid.
    2000: Take antacid.

    1970: Passing the driver's test.
    2000: Passing the vision test.

  3. #108
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    Mar 2007
    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
    George: Great. Lay it on me.
    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
    George: That's what I want to know.
    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
    Condi: Yes.
    George: I mean the fellow's name.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The guy in China.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The new leader of China.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The Chinaman!
    Condi: Hu is leading China.
    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
    Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
    Condi: That's the man's name.
    George: That's who's name?
    Condi: Yes.
    George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
    Condi: That's correct.
    George: Then who is in China?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir is in China?
    Condi: No, sir.
    George: Then who is?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir?
    Condi: No, sir.
    George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
    Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
    Condi: Kofi?
    George: No, thanks.
    Condi: You want Kofi?
    George: No.
    Condi: You don't want Kofi.
    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
    then get me the U.N.
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
    Condi: Kofi?
    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
    Condi: And call who?
    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
    Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
    George: Will you stay out of China?!
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
    Condi: Kofi.
    George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
    (Condi picks up the phone.)
    Condi: Rice, here.
    George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
    send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
    food in the Middle East?

  4. #109
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    Mar 2007
    There's three guys are on lin to get in heaven...St peter says to the first one: "what brought you here?"...the first guy said, well I thought my wife was having an affair so I came home early to catch her..I burst through the door and checked everywhere but I couldn't find the bastard...finally, I look outside and he's out their hanging off the fire escape...So I started beating on his fingers until he fell four stories down to the bottom...He hit some bushes and was rolling around still alive, so in my fury, I pushed the refrigerator out the window and it fell four floors onto the bastard and killed him instantly.....but in all the excitement , I had a heart attack and dropped dead.....

    St. Peter was visibly shaken and moved on to the second one in line.."My son, what brought you here"?..the second guy says, well there I was on my 5th floor balcony doing exercise like i do every morning when I lost my balance , flipped over the edge and grabbed onto the fire escape on the 4th floor..I was hanging there for about 30 seconds when some maniac comes and starts punching and biting my fingers...I couldn't hold on any longer and fell 4 floors into some bushes....both my legs were broken but I was alive!!!...but then this ******* gets a refrigerator and pushes it 4 stories down onto my head killing me instantly...

    St. Peter can barely breath as he approaches the next man in line and says, "my son , what brought you here?" ..the third guy in line says " Your never going to belive this , but there I was naked inside of a refrigerator......

  5. #110
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    Very good, the last one I knew, still funny though.

    Here are some new dog varieties.

    Collie + Lhasa Apso
    Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

    Spitz + Chow Chow
    Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

    Pointer + Setter
    Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

    Great Pyrenees + Dachsund
    Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

    Pekingnese + Lhasa-Apso
    Peekaso, an abstact dog.

    Irish water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
    Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

    Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
    Lab Coat retriever, the choice of research scientists.

    Newfoundland + Bassett Hound
    Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

    Terrier + Bulldog
    Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

    Bloodhound + Labrador
    Blabedor, a dog that barks incessantly.

    Malamute + Pointer
    Moot Point, owned by ...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.

    Collie + Malamute
    Commute, a dog that travels to work

    Bull Terrier + Shitzu
    Oh, never mind.

  6. #111
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    Did you hear about.

    The paper company that folded
    The brake company on the skids
    The bra manufacturer who went bust
    The surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary
    The cigarette company that went up in smoke
    The baker who was short of dough
    The refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen
    The corset firm that felt the squeeze
    The upholsterers who couldn't cover their costs
    The adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation
    The tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court
    The downfall of the bungee suppliers
    The train company that went off the rails
    The ship building company that sunk
    The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots

  7. #112
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    Mar 2007
    LOl Marvel - I like that one about the dogs especially...

  8. #113
    Administrator Krummhorn's Avatar
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    Aug 2006
    Tucson, Arizona
    Quote Originally Posted by NEB View Post
    Corporate Rowing ... Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
    Hey, I used to work for a company that did this in real life ... except with electronics manufacturing ... I didn't get laid off though, I took early retirement and had the last laugh on them ... lol.
    Kh ~~.

    Amateur musicians practice until they get it right ...
    fessional musicians practice until they can't get it wrong ...

  9. #114
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    Mar 2007
    Hahahaha - got one over on them then????? Goodonya

  10. #115
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    Mar 2007
    10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
    nothing to put in it.
    She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
    9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
    He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
    8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to
    make love to you in the worst way.
    She said...Well, you succeeded.
    7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
    She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
    6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
    Written just below it: "I do not."
    5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
    She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing
    board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
    4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
    your late husband.'
    She said...'Who's gonna look?'
    3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
    money I gave you?
    She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
    2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
    She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
    hallway light on.
    and the number 1 "He said...She said"..

    1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
    She said...I would, but you're never there

  11. #116
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    Mar 2007
    Things You Can Only Say at Thanksgiving:

    1. Talk about a huge breast!
    2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
    3. It's Cool Whip time!
    4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
    5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
    6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
    7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
    8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
    9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
    10. Don't play with your meat.
    11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
    12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
    13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
    14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
    15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
    16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
    17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
    18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
    19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

  12. #117
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    HaHa Very funny. especially number 1.

  13. #118
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    Mar 2007
    An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a ****** all the time.
    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ***** covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.
    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
    The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
    The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your *****".
    The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
    The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his ***** and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
    The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my *****?"
    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
    "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
    "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

  14. #119
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    Mar 2007
    A Mongolian sheep herder went out with his dog and his sheep to let them graze, in the distance he spots a Jeep Grand Cherokee coming his way. Confused, he approaches the Jeep and sees a man get out and start punching numbers in a calculator while writing frantically.

    The sheep herder asks, "What are you doing?"

    The man replies, "I bet you a sheep that I can calculate how many you have out grazing"

    Now the sheep were many, in the 100's and the herder doubted it and agreed to the wager. The man continues to crunch numbers feverishly and finally announces his calculation.

    "312" the man exclaims.

    The sheep herder, awestruck that he is correct, signals for the man to take a sheep, the man does and starts on his way but the herder stops him and says,

    "If I can guess your occupation, you must give it back"

    the man agrees and the herder says, "You are a consultant"

    The man, dumbfounded replies, "How the hell did you know?"

    The herder says, "Well, first of all, nobody called you and you came,

    second of all, thats not a sheep, thats a dog!!!!!!!!!

  15. #120
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Nov 2007
    In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally he turned and ran as fast as he could.

    The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim, seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion".

    The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

    Suddenly, the bear looks up into the sky and said, "Thank you God , for the food I'm about to receive".

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