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Thread: The Jokes Thread

  1. #121
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    A guy is not getting along with his wife, and is lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to find a companion. He spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

    "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

    "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

    "I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

    "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

    "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."

    The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."

    "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."

    The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.

    Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman."

    "What?" says the guy.

    "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

    "What happened then?" asks the guy.

    "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

    "Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"

    "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time.

    "What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.


    "I don't know," says the parrot. "I GOT A HARD-ON AND FELL OFF MY PERCH!!"

  2. #122
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    Sorry about that Chief.

    Trying again:

    He laid her on the table, So white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, And then, drooling, felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.

    The hole was wide...he looked inside,
    All was dark and murky.
    He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms, And then ..........
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    .....he stuffed the turkey!
    May I be the first to wish you Happy Thanksgiving!!!
    What were you thinking??? Shame on you!!!!!

  3. #123
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    There was a young woman of Natchez
    Whose clothes always had patches
    When asked about this
    Replied the saucy miss
    Well, when I itches, I scratches.

  4. #124
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    How many times have you been standing in a queue. You are the last person in queue, and someone comes up and asks "Is this the back of the queue?"

    Happens to me all the time. Just ONCE I promise I am actually going to say what I am always thinking:

    "No, it's the front of the queue, and we're all just standing backwards."

  5. #125
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

    On Sunday he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 comandments. He sat through the whole sermon, and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over, and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost, but after hearing your sermon on the 10 comandments, I changed my mind".

    The minister said "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shalt not steal' that you changed your heart". The man responded, "No it was the one on adultery, When you started to preach on that I remembered where I had left my hat".

  6. #126
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    He got her on the table
    he got her on the chair
    he got her on the window seat
    but couldn't do it there.

    He got her on the floor
    and then she had to laugh
    for all he really wanted
    was to take her photograph.

  7. #127
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    It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates:

    1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.Robertson's son.

    2. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

    3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of
    $500,000.

    4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

    5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

    6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

    7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway,
    crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

  8. #128
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    ok so this guy goes into an empty restroom goes up to the urinal and starts doin his thing. all of a sudden a leprechaun walks into the bathroom in full attire and says to the man, (irish accent)

    "hello, young man, i am a leprechaun and a granter of wishes, would you like to be granted any wish you choose?"

    the man, suprised, readily agrees. the leprachaun then replies,

    "well, before i can grant you your wish i must secure your hands and feet so that when you receive what you wish for you will be restrained and be able to better decide if that is what you really wish for. many times a man may rush upon gold or women and then realize their wish lies elsewhere."

    the man, ponders a beat and gives his consent realizing the wisdom of the leprechaun's words.

    the leprechaun then proceeds to tie the man to the urinal. once completed and satisfied with the job, the leprechaun begins to undress himself revealing a rather large leprechaun *****. the man then says,

    "Uhhh, what are you doing, do I get my wish n..."

    the leprechaun hastily interrupts and asks,
    "sonny, how old are you?"

    the man replies,
    "um, 36."

    the leprechaun smiles and then snides,
    "aren't you a little old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

  9. #129
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    Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in airplane. One
    says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if
    you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other,
    who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off her glasses
    and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

    The guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

    She says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
    conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
    and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the
    cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

    The guy says, "I don't know."

    "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
    qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"

  10. #130
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    A blond was walking by the travel agent and saw a sign that said Cruise for £29.
    She walked in and plunked her money on the table.
    The agent grabbed her, tied her to an inner tube and threw her into the river out back.

    Another blond walked in a few minutes later, plunked down her money and she too was grabbed, tied to an inner tube and thrown into the river out back.

    The current was swift, so she caught up with the first blond and they both floated together for a while.

    She asked..."do they serve drinks on this cruise?"

    The first blond said.... "they didn't last time."

  11. #131
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso methodistgirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NEB View Post
    Sorry about that Chief.

    Trying again:

    He laid her on the table, So white, clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, And then, drooling, felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.

    The hole was wide...he looked inside,
    All was dark and murky.
    He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms, And then ..........
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    .....he stuffed the turkey!
    May I be the first to wish you Happy Thanksgiving!!!
    What were you thinking??? Shame on you!!!!!
    Very funny!
    judy tooley

  12. #132
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    Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
    "Hello! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Delroy down in the Pinkie's Bar and Lounge in Spanish Town, Jamaica. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you."
    "Well, Delroy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
    "Right now," said Delroy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Patrick, me next door neighbour Andy, me brederin Shorty, and the entire dominoes team from the Bar. That makes eight!"
    Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Delroy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
    "wha yu say man?!", said Delroy. "mek me call you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Delroy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on!
    We have whole heap more equipment fi use pon unnu!"
    "And what equipment would that be, Delroy?", Saddam asked.
    "Well, we have two skettels, a water commission bulldozer, and Mr McKintosh old farm tractor."
    Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Delroy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armoured personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke."
    "lawd ave mercy !", said Delroy. "mek mi call yu back again."
    Sure enough, Delroy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We are now airborne! we ave captured a JDF helicopter, and four youth from the corner league 6 a- side have joined us as well!"
    Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
    "I must tell you, Delroy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
    "a wha dis fadda ?!", said Delroy. "mi will call yu back."
    Sure enough Delroy called again the next day.
    " mornin' Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we calling off the war."
    "I'm intrigued," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
    "Well," said Delroy, "mi and di bredrin dem reason 'bout this thing lastnight at the bar and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

  13. #133
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    A Gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.


    He found out from the local technical college what was involved,
    signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.


    When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a Score of 150%.


    Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to
    appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error which needs adjusting."


    The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
    perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

  14. #134
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    What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
    Erotic you use feathers.
    Kinky you use the whole chicken.

  15. #135
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    DOG'S THEORY OF LIFE

    If you can't eat it,
    And you can't screw it,
    Piss on it!

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