317Likes
LinkBack URL
About LinkBackswow we must have gone through the same horrible experience of stepping right onto a cat's _é"(à_éè(
wow we must have gone through the same horrible experience of stepping right onto a cat's _é"(à_éè(
Hi sunwaiter,
Well I have never had a cat, but my in-laws did. Their cat definately ruled the house.
Margaret
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Titter!
Perks of growing older
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run ... anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Good one Tûrwethiel.
One Line Groaners
I think that if Aliens ever visit earth, we should act superior to them; I mean, sure they can travel through space faster than the speed of light, but I bet they don't know even one good blonde joke.
When I was a child and got dirty, my mother would spit on a handkerchief and use it to clean the dirt off. I guess in her mind, muddy and disgusting was better than just muddy.
I sleep better at night knowing that scientists can clone sheep.
For others who may not know this: When the preacher says, "You may now kiss the bride," he's only speaking to the groom.
I ran out of ice cream bars the other day, and I cried. Then I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. How very much alike we are, I thought.
There are twelve months in the year. That's kind of cool, because it makes life a little more predictable.
Why not drink a whole bottle of battery acid, and THEN get swallowed by a python? Boy, the joke's on him!
If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet??
I think having "MEN" and "WOMEN" signs on bathrooms is a bad idea, because if aliens thought those rooms held standard specimens and went in to record data, they'd get some pretty bizarre examples.
If I ever make it on Wheel of Fortune, I'm sneaking' in my own vowels under my jacket. No way I'm going to pay $250, especially for a "U".
I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out okay.
And I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings. And I HATE people like that!
There's no time like the present. But a couple of minutes ago probably bore a "striking" similarity
No Excuse Sunday.
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud!
DID you hear about the invisible man who went and got himself married to the invisible woman?
The bad news is that the kids were nothing to look at
Tish boom!
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for
about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one
to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height,
please?'
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring
tape from her handbag. She then traps one end
under her foot and extends the tape to the top of
her head. She checks the measurement and announces,
'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for
the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our
records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about
twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,
before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand
your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and
the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what
were you doing when we asked you your name?'
'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running
through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
Good one Mat.
Margaret
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."
Thank you Margaret.
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I
can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see
what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off
your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the
way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put
your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health,"
he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Margaret
Chinese Sick Day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today.
I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon..........you got nice house.'
Chinese Sick Day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today.
I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today.
When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me a kiss and cuddle. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon..........you got nice house.'
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote