The Jokes Thread

marval

New member
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, after my wife had gone into labour, and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me. "Congratulations sir, your'e the father of twins".

The man replied "How about that, I work for the Doublemint chewing gum company".

An hour later the nurse came in and announced that Mr.Smith's wife had had triplets. Mr Smith stood up and said "Well how do you like that, I work for the 3M company".

Then the man sitting next to me got up and started to leave, When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked. "I think I need a breath of fresh air, I work for 7-up.
 

Krummhorn

Administrator
Staff member
ADMINISTRATOR
:grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin::grin: Marval ... I've never heard that one before ... Splendid ;)
 

NEB

New member
A child was playing with her friends in the playground. Running around and dancing to music, when she tripped and fell heavily on a kerbstone and hurt her Arm.

She was quickly taken to the hospital and an xray confirmed that the Arm was indeed fractured.

A young doctor came into the room where she was waiting for treatment and said

"My my, what have we been doing?"

"Breakdancing sir!" Came the quick response.....


(True story!)
 

marval

New member
HaHa I like that one. Quick thinking reply from the child. I've done it so I know it hurts.


Margaret
 

marval

New member
Old Seth has been a farmer all his life, up at 5am. 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. No matter what the weather, and back to bed at 11pm.. He had led a hard life, supported by his wife Bess, who bore his children and ran the home.

Seth then retired and had time on his hands. he read the newpapers, and when he had finished he read the women's magazines which Bess bought.

After reading "What the doctor says" in one of them, he calls Bess.

"Come here lass, I've found out what's been wrong all these years".

"Oh! and what would that be"? asks Bess. "Well the doctor here says that when we make love you should moan, so next time we make love, I want you to moan".

So the next time they cosy up Bess says "shall I moan now"? "No lass, I'll tell you when to moan" says Seth. At the right moment he says "Now lass moan".


"Well Seth, just look at the state of the ceiling, if I've told you a thousand times, the cracks need filling and it needs painting.
 

marval

New member
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his two words.

"Cold floors", he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.

He clears his throat and says. "Bad food". They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass and they bring him in for his two words.
"I Quit", he says.

"Thats not suprising", the elders say..."You've done nothing but complain since you've been here".



Soon after our high-tec company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck between floors, and after some door banging, finally attracted attention, His name was taken and rescue promised.

It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived, and got the manager out. When he got back to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary.
"The elevator people called, and will be here in two hours".
 

Andrew Roussak

New member
Marval, that one with old Seth was coooooool!!!!:grin:

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the
house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would
return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The
wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early,
alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As
the
woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining
room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master
bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey,
"Jervis,
I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully
over
a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter

belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to
remove
my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing
heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him
and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're
fired!"
 

Krummhorn

Administrator
Staff member
ADMINISTRATOR
Kudos, Andrew ... that's a new one for me ... great punch line at the end :clap:
 

NEB

New member
A guy on a plane strikes up a conversation with a beautiful female next to him.

He says, "What are you headed to Las Vegas for?"

She replies, "I'm headed to the prostitute's convention to present a paper debunking myths."

He asks, "For example?"

She replies, "The Frenchman is reputed to be the best lover and actually it's the Jewish man, and the Afro-american is supposed to be the best endowed but it's really the Native American. Oh, I've been talking to you and I don't even know your name."

He says, "Hi, my name is Tonto Goldstein."
 

NEB

New member
THE PERKS OF BEING 40 & OVER

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses
10.You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
11.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14.You sing along with elevator music.
15.Your eyes won't get much worse.
16.Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17.Your joints are more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
 

NEB

New member
Make sure you study these to learn proper guy etiquette!

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe
scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and
slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy
is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal
is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission
and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to
think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit
back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more!
"Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to
his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations,
a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not, unless you are gay.
 

marval

New member
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers. By the way , the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.


Pilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
Engineer: Took hammer away from midget
 
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