from the mouth of children

[Contratrombone64]

Apochrophal I know, but this was supposedly answers to religious studies questions set for school kids ... most amusing.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIM SELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL ..

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BE FORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE..

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE A POSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[Corno Dolce]

Oh CT64,

You Are So Bad

Now I'm gonna have to say 100 Hail Mary's.......

[marval]

Hi CT

I love it, aren't children just the font of all laughter.

Margaret

[marval]

Here are some more supposedly funny answers:


Children’s Answers to Science Exam Questions


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[C5Says]

lol, margaret, i've been laughing in the still of the night past midnight!

[marval]

Hi C5

I hope the laughter did not stop you sleeping.


Margaret

[Contratrombone64]

margaret - love 'em, thanks! I particular like can you delay milk turning sour and from my list an immaculate contraption

[C5Says]

margaret, i just awoke about 2 hours ago...last night i had no problem sleeping. in fact, after reading your entry and had a good laugh, i had to quit because i got sleepy.

[marval]

Here are some more funny kids

These are original and genuine...no adult could be this creative!!


JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties--mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday
sermon...."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without You, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!

[Corno Dolce]

Awww gee, thanx for the levity Ms. Margaret - I really ROTFLMAO when reading Clinton's riposte - It reminded me of the capers of a former US President

[marval]

Hi CD

Glad you like the levity

I did laugh when I saw the name Clinton.


Margaret

[Contratrombone64]

Margaret - delightful, thanks for sharing!

[marval]

Apparently a teacher gave her class the first part of a proverb, and let them finish them off. They are a little different to the ones I knew.


As you shall make your bed so shall you.....Mess it up

Strike while the.....Bug is close

It's always darkest before.....Daylight savings time

Never estimate the power of.....Termites

You can lead a horse to water but.....How?

Don't bite the hand that.....Looks dirty

No news is.....Impossible


A miss is as good as a.....Mr

You can't teach an old dog new.....Math


If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.....Stink in the morning

Love all, trust.....Me

The pen is mightier than the.....Pigs

An idle mind is.....The best way to relax

Where there's smoke, there's.....Pollution

Happy the bride who.....Gets all the presents

A penny saved is.....Not much

Two's company, three's.....The Musketeers

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....You have to blow your nose

Children should be seen and not.....Spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.....Get new batteries

When the blind leadeth the blind.....Get out of the way

[Corno Dolce]

Hi Ms. Margaret,

Just an observation on the phrase "A penny saved is a penny earned":

A penny saved can be more then a penny earned. Which would you rather take? $1,000,000 or the sum of a penny a day, doubled everyday for thirty days?

Ans: A penny a day, doubled everyday for thirty days equals $10,737,418.24
Instead of writing out the summation for everyday you can easily write 0.1*(2^30)

Ah yes, the magic of compounding interest.

Cheers,

CD

[marval]

Hi Corno Dolce

I am with you on this one.

I'll have the $10,737,418.24 any day.


Margaret