Signs of old age

marval

marval

New member
Anyone want to admit that this is them?

Just a line to say I'm living
That I'm not among the dead.
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And so mixed up in the head.

I got used to my arthritis
To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals,
But, Oh God, I miss my mind.

For sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
Or I just came down from there.

And before the fridge so often
My poor mind is filled with doubt.
Have I just put food away, or
Have I come to take some out?

And there's times when it is darkened
With my night cap on my head.
I don't know if I'm retiring,
Or just getting out of bed.

So, if it's my turn to write you
There's no need for getting sore.
I may think that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.

So remember that I love you,
And I wish that you were near.
Now it's time to post this letter
So must say goodbye, my dear.

Here I stand beside the mail box
With a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you my letter,
I have opened it instead!
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
@Margaret. I believe that was a Pam Ayres one but very good.:clap::clap:
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
For a short while this morning I thought I was improving, I only put one spoon of sugar in me cereal bowl instead of coffee cup before I caught on, then I went and picked up me battery operated coffee frother instead of me inhaler

Ya win some ya lose some, hey ho !!!!!!!!!
 
marval

marval

New member
I love Pam Ayres and her poetry, I was a great fan of Joyce Grenfell asv well.

You two Mike and Teddy are doing well, will have to keep an eye on you.


Margaret
 
marval

marval

New member
When I found that poem Colin, it said author unknown. It sounds like Pam Ayres though.


Just to prove old people are not senile.


A 78 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it was amusing enough to have it published in The Times.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 78 year old woman;

Doesn't it make you proud?
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Almost left the house without a shirt this morning. Went downstairs to iron one, did something else, saw the time and was about to leave when I realised.

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Learn to iron, sew butons on etc when I was a kid. Mum was very busy running a smallhotel so we got on with it. Still iron my shirts and trousers. Cant cook although I have kept my wife alive after three major operationt.

teddy
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
I love the delicious banter that goes on between Lord Colin and Teddles ... makes ma laff.

By the way - love the Pam Ayers vids, Teddles - she's amazing, love it!
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Yes David, quite a girl, and still going strong I believe....Pam that is, not Colin.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo” as if it were yesterday.




They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash



Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker



Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends



The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?



Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face




Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now



Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver



The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom




Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair



Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping



The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone




Abba---
Denture Queen
"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?


Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall



Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore



Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To


Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

Knit me with your rhythm stick

(heart) Bypass the Dutchie

and that famous amnesia band, the .. Who?









 
marval

marval

New member
Oh my goodness me,I'm rich!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the Behind

Iron in the Arteries

And

An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
I remind myself of one of those cars the clowns drive at the circus. Bits fall off it, water leaks out, gas escapes and it goes up and down when it should not. Eventually it all collapses

teddy
 
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