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Thread: Musical jokes

  1. #166
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Why wasn't J.S. Bach at the classical concert?
    Because he was Baroque.


    HAYDN'S CHOPIN LISZT AT VIVALDI'S:

    Rossini and cheese
    Schumann polish
    Bern-n-stein remover
    Satie mushrooms
    Oscar Meyerbeer bologna
    batteries (Purcell)
    BeethOVEN cleaner
    Hummel microwave meals
    orange Schubert
    TchaiCOUGHsky drops
    marshMahlers
    Honey-nut Berlioz
    Cui-tips
    Chef Boyardee Raveli
    sour cream and Ives
    Strauss (straws)
    chocolate Webers (wafers)
    Del Monteverdi corn
    Mozart-rella cheese
    I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
    Bach of serial (opera)
    chicken Balakirev
    new door Handel
    Golden Brahms
    Clemen-TEA
    Little Debussy snack cakes




  2. #167
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Definitions.

    Bassoon: a bedpost with a bad case of gas.

    Beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments.

    Concert: a place where people go to cough and sneeze.

    Conductor: Someone who is able to follow many people at once.

    Counterpoint: a favourite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established.

    Cut time: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

    Drummer: someone who hangs around with musicians.

    Fermata: a brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.

    Half step: two piccolos playing in unison.

    Male quartet: three men and a tenor.

    Oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

    Octave: an interval having eight diatonic steps or twelve chromatic steps (fifteen when sung by a tenor).

    Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves.

    Pitch: a tossing motion frequently used by band students to hand in music.

    Trombone: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

  3. #168
    Duckmeister teddy's Avatar
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    Very good Margaret. I don;t know how I missed this thread in the past

    teddy

  4. #169
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Hi Teddy

    I am glad you have now found it, feel free to join in.


    Margaret

  5. #170
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    A drummer without a girlfriend = Homeless/Houseless
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  6. #171
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    A drummer tried to teach himself to play the flute.
    After practicing for months, he still could not get a good tone from it.
    He finally decided that he was hitting it too hard with the stick.


    Margaret

  7. #172
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Commandments for Concert Goers:
    I
    Thou shalt hearken unto the music with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and all thy mind, to aid thee in thine endeavour. Study thou thy program notes and hereby be sore fully prepared to garner the blessings of the inspired melodies which are about to be sounded.

    II
    Thou shalt not arrive late, for the stir of thy coming disturbeth those who did come in due season; neither shalt thou rush forth as a great wind at intermission time or before the end of the program; nor shalt thou trample to thy left nor thy right the ushers or the doormen or the multitudes that are about thee.

    III
    Thou shalt keep in check thy coughings and thy sneezings for they are an abomination, and they shall bring forth evil execrations upon thee and thy household, even unto the third and fourth generations.

    IV
    Thou shalt not rustle thy program for the noise thereof is not as the murmur of the leaves of the forest but brash and raucous and soothest not.

    V
    Thou shalt not "yahoo" unto thy relatives, nor to thy friends, nor to any member of thy lodge or of thy household, nor to any of thy neighbours.

    VI
    Thou shalt not whisper, for thy mouthings, howsoever hushed they may be, bring discord to the ear of those who sit about thee.

    VII
    Thou shalt not chew gum with great show of sound or motion. Remember that thou art not as the kind of the meadow who do chew the cud in the pastoral serenity which is vouchsafed them.

    VIII
    Thou shalt not direct thy index finger at persons of public note and say unto thy neighbour, "Yonder goeth so and so," but reflect that some day thou shalt perchance be a celebrity, and thou shalt be in great discomfort when thou art pointed at and thou shalt not be pleased one jot or tittle thereby.

    IX
    Thou shalt not slumber, for in thy stupor thou hast ears and heareth not; peradventures thou possesseth a rumbling obligato when thou sleepeth, and verily, the rabble may be aroused thereby to do thee grievous harm.

    X
    Thou shalt not become a self-ordained music critic and with booming voice comment garrulously about the players or the playing; neither shalt thou hum, or tap thy foot; for thou hast come as a listener and a lover of music, not as a critic nor as a performer, and remember that none among the multitudes has paid admission to hear thy hummings or thy tapings or to listen unto thine opinion.



  8. #173
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    GrandDame Margaret,

    How very sage advice

    Best always,

    CD
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  9. #174
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Sage advice ndeed CD, I am going to see The Danish Quartet in February. I shall heed the advice.


    Margaret

  10. #175
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    So there's this Japanese man watching a jazz band. In the interval
    he goes up to the guitarist and says 'Can you play - jazz chord?'

    The guitarist says 'Yeah, how about Cmaj9', and plays the chord.
    'Velly nice', says the Japanese, 'but can you play- jazz chord?'

    The guitarist thinks for a moment and says 'Ok,how about Bb9+6?', and plays the chord.

    The Japanese says 'Velly nice, but can you play -jazz chord?'

    The guitarist is a bit perplexed by now, so he says 'I'm sorry - I don't understand what you mean'.

    'You know', says the Japanese and starts to sing, 'I jazz chord, to say, I love you

  11. #176
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso wljmrbill's Avatar
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    Cute Margret and that is sure what the world needs alot of these days!!
    ....To play only what is written is the domain of science. To realize what is not written is the domain of art."
    - Jean Langlais

    I wish you the Best for each day, now and always.

    Bill

  12. #177
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Can you sing tenor ... ... like tenor fifteen miles away

    Alternatively

    Can you sing "Over the Hills and Far Away" ... ... the farther the better
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  13. #178
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Thanks Bill, I like yours Mike.


    Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
    The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."


    Margaret

  14. #179
    Seaman, Mezzoforte
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    Naomi sei fantastica! ex violinist, hung out with bassonists, mother a violist and father an oboist--and I'm the worst of all, a Wagnerian soprano!
    drummers have it easy in comparison!
    Thanks for the fun!

  15. #180
    Duckmeister teddy's Avatar
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    Can you play solo - so low we cant hear you.

    teddy

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