Musical jokes

[Corno Dolce]

A music joke from Germany:

Warum heißen bratsche *Bratsche*? Wenn man draufsitzen macht es *BRATSCH*

Bratsche is a term, if my memory serves me, for the Violins and Violas.
So, when you sit on them(draufsitzen)they make a *crunch*(bratsch) sound.

[hillelr]

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve.
One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.

how many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.

In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

[Corno Dolce]

Hi Hillelr,

Some real good one's there.

Cheers,

Corno Dolce

[janny108]

I heard one that says a coloratura soprano is someone who knows what notes to sing, but is frantically trying to find it. LOL
Jan

[methodistgirl]

I know this stinks but here goes! What did the harmonica and pipe
organ say to each other?

The organ said keep blowing!
the harmonica said," Oh just keep piping . You're hot!"
judy tooley

[Mat]

Here are some music terms:

Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.

English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.

[Corno Dolce]

Hello Mat,

Yep, the music of Orlando di Lasso is Italian Cowboy Music

Maybe it could also be *Musica di Contadini*


Cheers,

Corno Dolce

[janny108]

I know this stinks but here goes! What did the harmonica and pipe
organ say to each other?

The organ said keep blowing!
the harmonica said," Oh just keep piping . You're hot!"
judy tooley

LOL Judy!!
Jan

[methodistgirl]

I have another musical joke. What did the organ say to the piano?
My you're grand!
What did the piano say to the organ?
Man you're swell!
judy tooley

[Oneiros]

I can't marimba any musical jokes sorry.

[marval]

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After two weeks they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break , back in the pit that evening Moe asked how it was.
Great said Joe. You know that bit where the music goes Boom Boom Boom Boom, well there are some guys uptop singing a teriffic song about a torreador at the same time.

[Mat]

There was a boy in kindergarten who played the viola. One day, he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced counting! I got all the way up to 10, but most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7!!!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist." The next day he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced the alphabet! I got all the way to the end, but most of the kids got messed up around "s" or "t"!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a violist." The next day, he came home and said "Mommy, guess what, they measured us today and I'm the tallest person in the whole class!!! Is that because I'm a violist, too?" and his mom said, "No, dear, that's because you're 25 years old."

[Mat]

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.


A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"


What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.


What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?On or off.


What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.


A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm
sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."


A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?


The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

[Contratrombone64]

What's the difference between and orchestra and a bull?

Well the orchestra has the horns at the back and the ******* at the front.

[marval]

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane he hears drums, he thinks "Wow, this is cool."

He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears the drums. He goes to the luau (Hawaiian feast), he hears drums, he TRIES to sleep, he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums.

Finally he goes down to the front desk, When he gets there he asks the manager, "Hey! what's with these drums, don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."

The manager says "No! Drums must NEVER stop, very bad if drums stop."

"Why?"

"When drums stop......Bass solo begins."