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Thread: Musical jokes

  1. #76
    Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.) intet_at_tabe's Avatar
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    Frank Zappa about drummers:



    Q: – What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?
    A: – A Drummer

    Q: How many drummers can you fit in a phone booth?
    A: None, "There's not enough room in there man!!"

    Q:
    If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
    A: The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

    Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
    A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

    Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
    A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

    Q: Why do guitarists put drum sticks on the dash of their car?
    A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

    Q: Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up!"
    A: Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both!"

    Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
    A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it
    Best regards,
    intet_at_tabe

  2. #77
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Some good drummer jokes there.


    Margaret

  3. #78
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Teacher: "What are you favourite songs?"
    Pupil: "I have five of them, Three blind mice and Tea for two.

  4. #79
    Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.) intet_at_tabe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marval View Post


    Some good drummer jokes there.


    Margaret
    Ms. Margaret and Zoot - Cheerio

    As drummer Ainsley Dunbar (the UK) would have stated it while performing the Frank Zappa album "Fillmore East Live", 1969: Hey babe, that´s some fine looking kit. Let´s smoke some grass, and I´ll show you how they sound.

    Actually Ms. Margaret - This kind of drum set is a typical set for a Rock drummer or less standard, not Ainsley Dunbar like, nor Billy Cobham.

    But I smiiiiiled and felt happy, when I saw them. What´s good enough for you is good enough for me, and now for the musical jokes:

    How do you tune four oboes?
    Shoot three of them.


    What's the definition of perfect pitch?
    When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.


    How do you tell a soprano from a pyrhana?
    The jewelry.


    How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Twenty, one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink beer till the room spins.


    What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
    A Metronome.


    What has three legs and a butt on top?
    A drum stool.


    What's the definition of optimistic?
    A trombone player who carries a mobile.


    Why are violins smaller than violas?
    They're not really, it's just that violinists' heads are bigger.


    How can you tell if the stage is level?
    The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


    Best regards,
    intet_at_tabe

  5. #80
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Hi Intet

    Glad you smiled.

    More good jokes there.


    Margaret

  6. #81
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    What the difference between a Soprano and a Piranha?
    Ans: One wears lipstick.
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  7. #82
    Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.) intet_at_tabe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marval View Post
    Hi Intet

    Glad you smiled.

    More good jokes there.


    Margaret
    Ms. Margaret

    Billy Cobham: from www.drummerworld.com


    Billy Cobham

    May 16, 1944













    Page I




    This guy can actually play this wall of drums and cymbals. The total freakin kit:

    1o drums to hit with the sticks, two kicking drums to kick and five cymbals (not all visible) and the high hat.
    Best regards,
    intet_at_tabe

  8. #83
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Thank you Intet

    Wow, what impressive sets of drums. I know there are a lot of jokes about drummers, but they really are skilled musicians, especially with all those to play.


    Margaret

  9. #84
    Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.) intet_at_tabe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marval View Post
    Thank you Intet

    Wow, what impressive sets of drums. I know there are a lot of jokes about drummers, but they really are skilled musicians, especially with all those to play.


    Margaret
    Off topic:

    Ms. Margaret


    I saw him playing with John McLaughlin (englishman - incredible guitarist) and the Mahavishnu Orchestra in Copenhagen 1974. Sitting on the 5th row center, I could watch him close up, while he most of the time, unlike other drummers, were standing up behind the kit playing. He also had a huge gong behind the kit.

    He is a bit nutty on the stage, born in Panama , and during concerts he has two extra snare drums to change, because he hits very hard. But could he play those drums and cymbals man? Geez!!

    In the USA they have these auditionings from drummers, who play the same brand like Billy Cobham on Yamaha, who are what are known as monster drummers, because they rank in a class of their own. So they meet three of them for instance, with each their specially built drum set to show off on drum solos. One guy from the left side begin and they change to take over from the next guy - improvised. Three of such monster drummers also playing Yamaha met a couple of years ago - Dave Weckl, Steve Gadd and Vinnie Colaiuta known from jazz and Rock: www.drummerworld.com

    Of course on the picture we can not actually see whether the stage is level, because we can not see whether the drool comes out from both sides of Billy´s mouth, according to Frank Zappa.

    I would rather have your drums, more fitting for an oletimer, who has never been on a stage playing the drums showing off, much too shy for such a gig and as everyone here know completely utterly untalented in music - except I am the Danish monster drummer on air-drums, which on the other hand show, I am a gentleman regarding the ears of my neighbours. Besides this, I don´t have an 18 wheeler for transportation of the kit, whenever I would tour with my band "Nothing Worse Than Ameteurs".

    On topic for the musical jokes:

    We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

    Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.
    "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
    "Oh, Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible, noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and woon't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night."
    "But Donald! How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"
    "Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes..."

    What's the definition of a gentleman?
    Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

    "Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?"
    "I can't see the agony of the audience."

    The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
    The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
    The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."
    Last edited by intet_at_tabe; Jun-09-2008 at 06:44.
    Best regards,
    intet_at_tabe

  10. #85
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    A well-known professor of music was accustomed to recieving letters from amateur musicians asking for auditions, and from would-be composers asking him to look at their work. He always ignored them.

    But one old lady was particularly persistent. Over and over again she wrote to him to ask him to visit her home to hear her cat play the piano.

    At last he gave in. he had agreed to act as a judge at a music festival not far from the old lady's home and he decided that it might be amusing to call on her. so he telephoned her and arrangements were made for him to have tea at her home the following Thursday.

    He arrived at the appointed hour to find that his hostess was a very pleasant and cultured elderly lady, and not at all the sort of crank he had been half fearing. They sat down to tea and after a little while a cat sidled into the room, jumped up onto the piano stool and mewed. his mistress stood up, walked accross the room and gently lifted the piano lid, giving the cat's head an affectionate caress as she did so.

    The cat sat up, his paws hovered for fully half a minute above the keys, as though he were trying to come to a decision and then he started to play, a little hesitantly at first - because it was quite evidently the first occasion that he had performed for anyone other than his mistress - but then with growing confidence when he saw the strangers rapt attention.

    He played the "Moonlight Sonata" very competently. two Chopin polonaises with passion and delicacy, and then a piece of Scarlatti with a flair approaching brilliance. finally, he played a long piece which the professor failed to recognize.

    The professor applauded heartily and turning to his hostess he asked who was the composer of the last piece. "Oh!," she said, "Didn't I say? he composes as well, you know. He wrote that last piece himself."

    The professor replied, "Now that is truly amazing. You should have it orchestrated."

    The cat turned round, looking startled and dismayed, jumped down from the stool, ran accross the room and out of the window, never to be seen again.

  11. #86
    Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler Corno Dolce's Avatar
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    Good places for the Blues:

    a) the highway
    b) the jailhouse
    c) an empty bed
    *If a man wants God to hear his prayer quickly, then before he prays for anything else, even his own soul, when he stands and stretches out his hands towards God, he must pray with all his heart for his enemies. Through this action God will hear everything that he asks* -Abba Zeno-

    *Protagoras: "Truth is subjective. What is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Your opinion is true by virtue of its being your opinion."

    *Socrates: "My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you are in absolute error. Since this is my opinion, then according to your philosophy you must grant that it is true."

    "Improvisational Art": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSxVO3EoCRM

  12. #87
    Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.) intet_at_tabe's Avatar
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    Any last requests?

    A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

    "Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

    "That you kill me first."


    Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

    From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994

    10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.

    9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.

    8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.

    7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.

    6. One word: polkas.

    5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.

    4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.

    3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]

    2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.

    1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
    Best regards,
    intet_at_tabe

  13. #88
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    A guitarist arrives at the rehearsal to find the bass player and the drummer fighting.
    "What's going on?" he asked
    The bass player replied "He de-tuned one of my strings!"
    "That's OK" said the guitarist. "You can just tune it back up again".
    "I can't" said the bass player. "He won't tell me which one!"

  14. #89
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso methodistgirl's Avatar
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    That was funny.
    judy tooley

  15. #90
    Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.) intet_at_tabe's Avatar
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    If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

    Who cares?
    Best regards,
    intet_at_tabe

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