The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
lol


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


Then You Are Probably The Family Dog.


Margaret
 
marval

marval

New member
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a
speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there
before she forgot where she was going?


Margaret


 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
I would go for genuine, if not it was very well done she sounded great and I would bet she is a smoker
 
marval

marval

New member
Following on from that hilarious lady.

Here are some mad but genuine answers given on radio and TV quiz shows.

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
JT: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

Stewart White: Who had a hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
SW: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
SW: And if you're not weak, you're?
Contestant: Strong.
SW: And what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
SW: So who had a hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra.

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
AT: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
AT: Wrong, sorry. Let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
AT: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what - prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

DJ Mark: What is the nationality of the Pope?
Contestant: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

Phil Wood: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
PW: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

Richard Madeley: Which actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth... er... three?
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
And these people are allowed to vote, no wonder the world is in a mess, Great stuff Margaret
 
Krummhorn

Krummhorn

Administrator
Staff member
ADMINISTRATOR
Cattle Guards

Firs, the trivia:
For those of you who have never traveled to the West or Southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roadway, to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason, cattle will not step on the "guards", probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails ...

Now the joke (and probably a true story)

A few months ago, the President received a report that there were over 100,000 "cattle guards" in Colorado. Because Colorado ranchers had protested the proposed changes in grazing policies, the President ordered the Secretary of the Interior to ... fire half of the guards, immediately. :lol:

Before the Interior Secretary could respond, the Vice-President intervened with a request that before any guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
We have the same but call them cattle grids, loads of them in the New Forest to keep them off the major roads, but none on the minor roads, cattle, ponies and deer roam free so there is a 40mph speed limit.
 
marval

marval

New member
lol Krummhorn, it does get worse.

Here are a few more daft ansdwers from quizzes.


Question: What is the only language used for official purposes in Denmark?
Answer: Dutch

Question: The ancient site known as the Valley of the Kings is in which country?
Answer: England

Question: The Battle of Rourke's Drift was between the British and which indigenous people of of South Africa?
Answer: Aborigines

Question: The province of Ontario is situated in which Commonwealth country?
Answer: America.

Question: What Tennessee congressman fought at the battle of the Alamo?
Answer: Al Gore

Question: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Answer: Japan

Question: What is the world’s largest continent
Answer: Pacific

Question: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Answer: Goosey

Question: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Answer: Basketball

Question: Which letter of the alphabet sounds exactly the same as the term for a female sheep?
Answer: Baa
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Sounds like a few candidates for sterilisation.

The last one reminds me of ........

Wife (doing crossword) - "Darling, what's a female sheep, 3 letters"

Husband, "Ewe dear"

And that's when the fight started
 
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