The Jokes Thread

Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
John was a salesman's delight when it came any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up getting him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We reall watched a tape call 'Sex Queen'."
"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
This is so Strange!!!!

A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"? dont stop keep reading.

B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"? keep going

C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, towel headed, bomb-making, goat-shagging, raggedy-arse bastards with you"?

How weird is that??? :grin:
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
There are some schools in England were 27, yes 27 different languages are spoken. How the hell can you teach in those conditions and what chance does it give the English speaking pupils. No, it was UTT (Under The Top)

regards

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when Dracula lands on the bonnet of the car. "Quick quick show him you're cross," shouts the first nun. So the second nun leans out the window and shouts " Get off my car you ugly bugger before I whack you".

teddy
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
I'm told this was on the radio this morning, just imagine hearing it not reading it!

Someone emailed saying they had a project to do on Monteverdi, so they Googled but claimed to have found plenty of hits for Guiseppe, but none for Monty.
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Put your accent on....:
Baptising an Irishman
An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when
he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again
for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found
Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you
found Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
 
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