The Jokes Thread

Corno Dolce

Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Hi Ms. Margaret,

"Need an upgrade" - hey dearest, If I don't get an upgrade everyday I falter horribly by the end of the day.

Cheers,

CD :):):)
 

methodistgirl

New member
Okay I have one! What is the difference from methamphamine and a
methahistmene?
Answer: one is a dangerious drug and the other is a methodist person
with a box of anti allergy pills!:lol:
judy tooley
 

marval

New member
Men vs Women, snappy comebacks to "Why aren't you married yet?"

You haven't asked yet

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life

What and spoil my great sex life

Nobody would believe me in white

Because I just like hearing this question

Just lucky, I guess

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund

It gives my mother something to live for

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr America

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you

They just opened a great singles bar on my block

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead, from sheer happiness

What? and lose all the money I've invested in personal ads

We really want to but my lovers spouse just won't go for it

I'm married to my career, although recently we've been considerating a trial seperation



I obviously didn't use any of these, because I have been married for 31 years.


Margaret
 

intet_at_tabe

Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Men vs Women, snappy comebacks to "Why aren't you married yet?"

You haven't asked yet

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life

What and spoil my great sex life

Nobody would believe me in white

Because I just like hearing this question

Just lucky, I guess

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund

It gives my mother something to live for

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr America

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you

They just opened a great singles bar on my block

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead, from sheer happiness

What? and lose all the money I've invested in personal ads

We really want to but my lovers spouse just won't go for it

I'm married to my career, although recently we've been considerating a trial seperation



I obviously didn't use any of these, because I have been married for 31 years.


Margaret

Wow Mrs. Margaret, obviously not. 31 years. In my country no one would believe you unless you were born in the 1900 century. Hats of for you Mrs. Margaret and yours truely :clap::clap::tiphat::tiphat:
 

intet_at_tabe

Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Hi Intet,

Who is the stronger sex? Methinks the women are. Why? They are the ones tasked with carrying a pregnancy for nine months!!! They need to be tough as an M1 Abrams Tank to succeed in child-bearing. Our Good Lord made them stronger and more different than us men. We guys are just made to believe that we are the stronger of the two.

Cheers,

CD ;););)

Corno Dolce

I was only a bit :rolleyes: about the "stronger sex". Most men during the pregnancy of their wives and during the hours in the birthroom are true chickens. The women have all the trouble during the pregnancy, feeling sick, feeling nausea. Growing out of every dress, having this buble on the front. The guys having only one thought during 9 months. How are we going to make love - now :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:.

Every time I´ve been in this situation at the hospital, I have fired the head doctor and nurses, in panic to watch my love in pain, while pressing and pressing. I have shouted into the faces of the hospital staff: My wife is hurting, Do some thing now, at once, pronto.

All they do are looking at me or any other father to be, whether it´s the first or the eight time around, then they put their hands on my shoulder and say: Take it easy - Dad, which always has been soooo carming.

You know Corno Dolce, I honestly believe in the old pronoun: Behind every man there is a strong woman - period. What would the world be like if there were no women, not my kind of world. I LOVE women, because they represent everything good, men don´t.
 

marval

New member
A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversity of his arrival to that parish.

A leading politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words, while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

"The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of appologies at being late. he immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

!I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
 

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players


10. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric piano have in common.

Answer: Both suck when you plug them in.

9. What does a piano player dream about?

Answer: Sheet music.

8. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

Answer: A flat minor.

7. What's the difference between a piano accompanianist and a terrorist?

Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

6. How do you make a million dollars playing the piano?
Answer: Start with two million.

5. How do you get two piano players to play in perfect unison?

Answer: Shoot one.

4. Did you hear about the piano player who played in rhythm?

Answer: Neither did I.

3. What's the difference between a piano and an onion?

Answer: No one cries when you chop up a piano.

2. What did the piano player get on his IQ test?

Answer: Drool.

1. What's the difference between a medium pizza and a piano player?

Answer: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Pretty bad, eh?

I agree. Now let's all get back to our piano practicing.
 

marval

New member
You know you are getting older when.....

You and your teeth don't sleep together

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks, and discover you aren't wearing any

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle and pop and you're not eating cereal

Your back goes out, but you stay at home

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture

It takes two tries to get off the sofa

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio

When happy hour is a nap

When you're on vacation, and your energy runs out, before your money does

When all you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of your age

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired

Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going

Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot

The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals

It takes twice as long - to look half as good

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work

You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time

You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it
 

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
It takes two tries to get off the sofa

...

You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there

Those two are great, Margaret




Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
 

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
Here's another one



In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
 

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
MARTHA STEWART'S *TIPS FOR REDNECKS *


GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive The U- Haul to the funeral home.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say " Monday ". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
 

marval

New member
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversity.

The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I Must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the
rest of our children.

Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away, But I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment, then she replied, "yes yes he did."

The old man was shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected.

With a tear in his eye, he asked "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth.

Then finally she says "you."


 

intet_at_tabe

Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Here's another one



In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Clever guy this father to be. More, more, more....:banana::banana::clap::clap::tiphat::tiphat:
 
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