The Jokes Thread

[Mat]

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman
on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:
"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1,
increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2
report to coms for instructions." He sits down and he is told to add
Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to
add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection,
the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please
report to coms for instructions." She sits down and just as she is
about to be told what to do she says..... "I know, I know!! Feed
the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

==============================

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

 

[marval]

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once.
You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says...
"WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"

 

[Corno Dolce]

Good one Ms. Margaret :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[marval]

Thank you CD.


Margaret

 

[marval]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

 

[Mat]

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a
train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,
"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can sit down", he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said,
"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with
not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your
dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you
are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot
of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out
of the window."

 

[marval]

Nice one Mat.


Margaret

 

[Mat]

Thanks, Margaret.

It seems that one of us is on the wrong side of the road, too. :lol::lol::lol:

 

[marval]

What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him??? I didn't do it on porpoise!!!

 

[Mat]

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if
my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and
one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

 

[methodistgirl]

There were passengers on board an old airplane to America from England
and one of the engines stopped. Of course the people started to panic
and the pilot came over the loud speaker to not worry that there were
still three running to get them home and there were 18 Methodist bishops
on board. They called the stewardess to their seats and told her to not
worry that they were on board. Well she hurried to tell the pilot the good
news and he replied. That's fine with me but I'd rather have all engines
working.
judy tooley

 

[Corno Dolce]

A man reluctantly attends his lawyer's funeral expecting to be one of the only people there, and is surprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him and says: *Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?* And then a man turns toward him and says: "We're all clients."

*And you ALL came to pay your respects?*

"No, we all came to make sure he was really dead."

 

[Mat]

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a
coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her
wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her
and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts scre*ing it. "Oh my
God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.

She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It
figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices
is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner
jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with
his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and
almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come
in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in
public!!!!??"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to
catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"



==================================================



A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something
about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his
girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and
walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good
idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the
bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's
me!"

 

[Mat]

Kentucky:
Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

 

[Contratrombone64]

There's a very apt and quaint phrase used only by Aussies and Kiwis in those circumstances (pack of F**kwits) ... the asterixes you'll figure out I'm sure.

 

[marval]

Some good humour going on there guys.

 

[marval]

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies the inventor." "A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

 

[marval]

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom!"

 

[greatcyber]

You guys are cracking me up!

Stephen

 

[marval]

Nice cat there Stephen,


Margaret