The Jokes Thread

Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
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Sr. Regulator
Regulator
How to make an American movie

Big apartments in New York are available for an average citizen, it doesn’t matter if they are employed or not

If you have to disarm a bomb and you’re wondering which wire to cut – don’t worry, you will always pick the right one

It doesn’t matter how well you know martial arts, your enemies will be waiting for you patiently, attacking you one by one, until you beat them all

When you turn off the light in your bedroom, everything remains visible but a litlle bluish

If you are a pretty blonde, you are very likely to become an expert in nuclear energy or genetics, all at age of 22

Upstanding and hard-working policeman usually dies just a few days before retirement

All shopping bags from supermarkets contain at least one baguette

You can see Eiffel’s Tower from your hotel’s window, no matter where in Paris you actually are

If you want to steal a car, its door is always open

If in an American movie action takes place in an airport, it’s Dallas

The Americans always order pizza with or without anchois

There’s always a place to park in front of the building you want to enter

Wooden tables are bullet-proof

Chief of Police is always black

Even in their own company, foreigners always speak English

A woman wearin a wig and a long coat is always psychopatic murderer

If you want to become Russian or German officer, you don’t need to know the language. Proper accent will do

If a woman is sleeping in an abandoned house, she will check in her sexiest underwear any little rustle

Every bomb has a big clock so everyone knows when it’s going to explode

Movie characters never make any mistakes while typing something on a computer
 
marval

marval

New member
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
 
marval

marval

New member
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
 
marval

marval

New member
The owner of a feed lot in Nebraska was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Nebraska and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
 
greatcyber

greatcyber

New member
I Didn't See It Coming

Those are all very entertaining. Here's one I got from my sister this morning:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)

Stephen


 
marval

marval

New member
WinkWink.gif
WinkWink.gif
WinkWink.gif
Nice one Stephen.


Margaret
 
marval

marval

New member
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling some- thing. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

 
greatcyber

greatcyber

New member
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!"
The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?"
The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence."
The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
 
marval

marval

New member
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just ‘play along’ and humour her.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?” “Ummm… 4!” the blonde says. Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: “What’s the square root of 100?” “Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.
“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” “Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.

“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. “Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”
 
greatcyber

greatcyber

New member
It might be well deserved, CT. I went blonde once for a summer and dang, did I act like one!

=============
Even I groan at myself for this one:

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a deadline hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong - What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for backups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay. Now I believe in yesterday.
 
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Muza

Muza

New member
I know!!! I went blonde for a little bit too, and still have my blonde moments!!! ;)

Nice jokes, guys, by the way ;)
 
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