The Jokes Thread

[pnoom]

Here's a thread to tell jokes in:


Here are two great juggling jokes:

Smoking and juggling are a lot alike: both lead to worse habits, like heroin and magic.



And a bit of background for the next one: balls made for bounce juggling are made of silicone and are quite expensive.

The joke:

You might be a juggler if you've paid over $1000 for silicone and still can't get a date.

[NEB]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

[NEB]

ECONOMIC UNCERTAINTY

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and the staff fears they may get a raw deal.

[NEB]

A young farm lad from New Prague goes off to college, but about
1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered
away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State
that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"

Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into
the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 of the way
through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends him the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in
the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around
with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that s.o.b. before he talks to your
Mother!"

I sure did, Dad!"

That's my boy!"


The kid went on to be a lawyer......

[marval]

A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor.
"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Really talented musician. In fact he and I were just playing some duets together last week."
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.
"Oh he's really nice, I had dinner with him last week." Replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1.30 train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1.30 train to London.

[NEB]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[NEB]

A blind man is standing on the corner waiting for the street light
to change so he can cross the street. He is holding his familiar
red and white cane and in the other arm is a bag of groceries that
he has just purchased.

As he is waiting, a stray dog comes up to him, lifts its leg and
pisses all down the blind man's leg, into his pants cuff, and all
over his sock and into his shoe.

By way of response, the blind man merely removes a cookie from
within his bag of groceries, bends over slightly with the cookie in
his outstreched hand and says, "Good doggie...good doggie, get the
cookie, good doggie, attaboy."

A woman who was standing nearby, and who witnessed the entire
incident says to the blind man, "I can't beleive you're going to
reward that dog after what he just did."

"No," replied the blind man, "I'm just trying to find the dog's
head, so I can kick him in the ass!"

[NEB]

It was entertainment night at the Convention Center and the assembly room was packed because none other than The Amazing Claude, the world's greatest hypnotist, was heading the evening's entertainment. The lights dimmed, the spotlight lit the stage as The Amazing Claude came out.

"I'm here to put you into a trance," said the Amazing Claude. "I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as The Amazing Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations," said The Amazing Claude, and then began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said The Amazing Claude....................

.................. It took three days to clean up the convention Center.

[marval]

Good King Wenceslas rings up a local pizza restaurant to order a pizza.

"Certainly your majesty" says the manager, "will it be your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"

[rojo]

Those last two are hilarious!

[marval]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said "I built a big house for our mother". The second said "I sent her a mercedes with a driver". The third smiled and said "I've beaten you both. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton", she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house".

"Gerald", she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be..I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude".

"Dearest Donald", she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious".

[Corno Dolce]

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless...

[Andrew Roussak]

A priest and an Aussie truck driver were competing against each other in a quiz. Both sides show astonishing similar knowledge on all questions. After 2 hours struggling, the quizmaster asks them to come up within a minute with a short poem ending up with " Timbuktu".

After a minute, the priest goes first and recites his poem:

I was a father all my life,
but had no children, had no wife,
I read my Bible through and through
On my long way to Timbuktu.

The audience were delighted, and were ready to declare a priest to a winner, when the truck driver came up with a following poem:

As I and Tim to Brisbane went,
We met three ladies, cheap to rent.
But they were three, and we were two.
So I booked one, and Tim booked two.

[Corno Dolce]

Hey Andrew - Don't quit your day job just yet, ok?

[Krummhorn]

Setup: hymns for church services are usually selected well in advance without knowing what the sermon will be about ... pity the poor song leader:

A minister was completing a temperance sermon, With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "and if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Well the parishioners were really focused on what he would say next ... and he continued, but this time shaking his fist in the air and said, "furthermore, if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"


His sermon ended, he turned and sat down. Knowing that the final song had been selected months ago, the Song Leader stood up very cautiously and announced with a sheepish grin, hardly able to contain his own laughter from inside, "For our closing song, please stand and sing hymn #365 'Shall We Gather At The River!"