Page 42 of 46 FirstFirst ... 3234353637383940414243444546 LastLast
Results 616 to 630 of 683

Thread: Private Thread - Keep Out!

  1. #616
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Poole Dorset UK
    Posts
    4,543
    A husband and wife go to a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise.

    A large wok appears with the lid still on. The wife lifts the lid to serve herself and sees two beady eyes looking at her. She squeeks and drops the lid back onto the wok.

    "What's wrong" asks her husband and she points at the wok. He opens the lid slightly and sees the eyes looking at him. He too replaces the lid and calls the waiter over. The waiter looks under the lid then asks them what they ordered.

    "Chicken surprise".

    The waiter says "Very sorry, you have been given the wrong dish. This is Peeking Duck".

    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  2. #617
    Commodore con Forza
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    West Midlands, UK
    Posts
    701

    ... and that reminds me of ...

    ... the man who went to the butcher and said "I want to buy some meat but I haven't got much money. What would you suggest?"

    "I'll sell you a pig's head," replied the butcher, "and if I leave the eyes in, it will see you through the week."

  3. #618
    Commodore con Forza
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    West Midlands, UK
    Posts
    701

    ... which in turn reminds me of ...

    ... the time I was standing next to a man with a glass eye at the bus stop. When the bus approached, he took out his glass eye and threw it up in the air.

    "What did you do that for?" I asked.

    "I was checking if there were any empty seats on the top deck."

  4. #619
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,209
    HaHa, very funny.

    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

    'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

    'No,' she replies. . .






    Wait for it. .










    It's coming. .









    The suspense is killing you, isn't it?














    She says:
    'You just happened to catch my eye.'

  5. #620
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,209
    How to get barred from diy store B&Q.


    Method 1

    Gordon Barking was today barred from B&Q shops in the south of England. As he entered the store in Portsmouth the man on the door greeted him by asking if he wanted decking. Gordon, luckily, got the first punch in.

    Method 2

    When asked if there is a B&Q in Dublin O' Flaherty said he didn't know but that there were two D's in Dundalk.
    Method

  6. #621
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Poole Dorset UK
    Posts
    4,543
    They're getting worse Margaret, less groan more Oooooooppppphhhhhhh!!!!!!
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  7. #622
    Commodore con Forza
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    West Midlands, UK
    Posts
    701
    I tried to read the British Journal of Podiatry - but there were too many footnotes.

  8. #623
    Commodore con Forza
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    West Midlands, UK
    Posts
    701

    Philosophy for Beginners - Lesson 1.

    In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. but in practice, there is.

    jan L.A. van de snepsceut

  9. #624
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,209
    I like them John.


    This is what someone was reported to have said when they went to India for a holiday.

    On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

    A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

    I like this complaint.

    It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

    Did you know? I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.


    Margaret

  10. #625
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Poole Dorset UK
    Posts
    4,543
    Hamlet

    This play is why people say "break a leg" to actors, because you can't make a Hamlet without breaking legs.

    (dives into deep trench with tin hat on)
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  11. #626
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    8,209
    HaHa very funny Mike, I'll visit you in the trench.


    Here's how to stay young.


    1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them!'

    2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

    3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.' An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

    4. Enjoy the simple things.

    5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

    6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

    7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

    8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

    9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

    10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

  12. #627
    Commodore con Forza
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    West Midlands, UK
    Posts
    701
    Some sound advice there, Margaret. I was amused when one of my neighbours celebrated his hundredth birthday a while back. The local paper did a short article about his life, and it turned out that at the start of WW2 he failed his army medical!

  13. #628
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Poole Dorset UK
    Posts
    4,543
    Just received this by email, makes ya think.

    How many zeros in a billion?


    The next time you hear a politician use the
    Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
    Whether you want the 'politicians' spending
    YOUR tax money.

    A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
    But one advertising agency did a good job of
    Putting that figure into some perspective in
    One of it's releases.

    A.
    A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

    B.
    A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

    C.
    A billion hours ago our ancestors were
    Living in the Stone Age.

    D.
    A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

    E.
    A billion Pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes,
    At the rate our government Is spending it.


    Building Permit Tax
    Cigarette Tax
    Corporate Income Tax
    Income Tax
    Value added Tax
    Fishing License Tax
    Food License Tax
    Fuel Permit Tax
    Petrol/Diesel Tax
    Hunting License Tax
    Inheritance Tax
    Alcohol Tax
    Luxury Tax
    Marriage License Tax
    Property Tax
    Real Estate Tax
    Service charge taxes
    Social Security Tax
    Road Usage Tax
    Local (Council) Tax
    Vehicle License Registration Tax
    Vehicle Sales Tax
    Workers Compensation Tax

    Probably a few more Taxes

    STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

    Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
    And our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

    We had absolutely no national debt...
    We had the largest middle class in the world...
    And Mum stayed home to raise the kids.


    What the hell happened?????

    What happened?

    Can you spell 'politicians!'
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  14. #629
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Poole Dorset UK
    Posts
    4,543
    I have been told it is ok to have sex at 87! This is good because I live at number 81 so it is only a short walk.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  15. #630
    Chief assistant to the assistant chief JHC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Nu Zeln
    Posts
    4,962
    Hold on there cobber I live at 87 and this is the first I've heard about it,

Page 42 of 46 FirstFirst ... 3234353637383940414243444546 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. the internet music resources thread
    By prokop in forum General Music Debate Forum
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: Nov-08-2006, 09:09

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •