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Thread: Private Thread - Keep Out!

  1. #646
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    I have decided to open a fish and chip shop and call it "Just For The Halibut." Unless anyone cod think of a batter name for it.


    Margaret

  2. #647
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Sounds like a "Good Plaice"
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  3. #648
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Well I thought as it was a Brill answer, I would have a Dab at it. I am hoping to give the place some Sole, my little Ray of sunshine.


    Margaret

  4. #649
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    As long as you don't mack e rel mess of it, else you'll be floundering, then you'll get all crabby. Then we'll all say what the hake, that's a right load of pollacks.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  5. #650
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    HaHa, well what ever I do you will be herring more about it. I won't carp on about it though. Thinking of having music in the shop, must find a piano tuna.


    Margaret

  6. #651
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Then we could do the conger.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  7. #652
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    What about John and his thread? I suppose eel be alright.


    Margaret

  8. #653
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Found the correct name for a malady common to management grades

    Proctoheliosis

    You know what part of the anatomy a Proctologist deals with, and Helios is greek for sun, go figure.

    And in the same run of ideas, there is also a form of government becoming more prevalent

    Proctocracy
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  9. #654
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Good one Mike, I went and figured.


    Margaret

  10. #655
    Chief assistant to the assistant chief JHC's Avatar
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    Marg and Mike, you know, I am getting worried about you two

  11. #656
    Commodore con Forza Soubasse's Avatar
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    It sure as hell ain't MY "lucky" country :(
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    I'm not, I'm just enjoying the banter! (or in the spirit of some previous punnery, the batter)
    Music is made to transform the states of the soul, for an hour or an instant (J. Alain)

  12. #657
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Don't worry about me, I just jumped into the river in Paris and became inseine. It is good to have banter. (batter)


    Reasons why I should or should not be proud to be British

    Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

    Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

    Only in Britain... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    3 Brits die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

    31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

    101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
    and finally.........

    In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo.


    Margaret

  13. #658
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Burn's night aftermath,

    (Apologies to Rabbie Burn's and for the scot's dialect)

    Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
    Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
    Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
    There sterts tae stir an enormous wind
    The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
    Stert workin like a gentle breeze
    But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
    Will have ye blawin all ower the place
    Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
    A'bodys gonna have tae pay
    Even if ye try tae stifle
    Its like a bullet oot a rifle
    Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
    Tae try and stop the leakin air
    Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
    Pray tae God it disnae reek.
    But aww yer efforts go asunder
    Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
    Ricochets aroon the room
    Michty like a sonic boom
    God almighty it fairley reeks
    Hope I huvnae shat ma breeks
    Tae the bog I better scurry
    Aww whit the hell, its no ma worry.
    A'body roon aboot me chokin
    Wan or two are nearly bokin
    I'll feel better for a while
    Cannae help but raise a smile
    Wis him! I shout with accusin glower
    Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
    Ya durty buggar they shout and stare
    Ah dinnae feel welcome anymair
    Where e're ye go let yer wind gan' free
    Sounds like just the job fur me
    Whit a fuss at Rabbies party
    Oower the sake o' wan wee farty.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  14. #659
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    A Medical warning . . . loss of appetite . . .


    A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of
    toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

    He declined.

    'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says
    'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

    At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of
    soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

    He declined.

    'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

    Come dinnertime, she asked if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a
    juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
    chicken or tasty stir fry?'

    He declined again . . . . . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra .
    I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .

    'Well,' she said, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  15. #660
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Very good Mike.


    I thought ambulances were for emergencies only, some people obviously didn’t know that according to these emergency phone calls.


    I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.

    I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.

    I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years

    I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me.

    I am blind in one eye and my leg.

    I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.

    I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.

    I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.

    I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.

    My husband is dead and will not bring me.

    I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.

    I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.

    I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good.

    I cannot come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I cannot come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.


    Margaret

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