Private Thread - Keep Out!

jhnbrbr

New member
Some people believe you can learn how to spell using a dictionary, but unfortunately this is not the case. The words in a dictionary are arranged in alphabetical order, so if you don't know how to spell a word you won't be able to find it anyway. Others believe that dictionaries can tell you the meanings of words, but this is equally misguided. Every word in the dictionary is defined in terms of other words in the dictionary, that is, all the definitions are circular definitions. It's exactly like putting the plug of an extension lead into one of its own sockets in the vain hope of getting some free electricity. What do you actually get? Zilch! And so it is with a dictionary. If you meticulously followed all the references from one word to another you would realise that is is simply one enormous closed circuit. The nett amount of information which comes out of a dictionary is precisely zero. So if you have one of these white elephants wasting space on your bookshelf, I suggest you send it for immediate recycling. It may then become something infinitely more useful - toilet paper!
 

marval

New member
I do have a dictionary John, but I don't know when I last used it. I must admit to using my spell checker though, I have to make sure people turn into frogs and not toads.

Margaret
 

marval

New member
Here is some bad spelling.


While working for a security firm, Dennis Spradling was given written orders stating, "You are not allowed to except any bribes." [accept]

Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river. [dams]

Full coarse meals. [course]

Every morning my father takes exercises to strengthen his abominable muscles. [abdominal]

During peek season the beach is covered with hundreds of bikini-clad beauties. [peak]

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. [pistil]

In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal. [steel]

Carats, two for 39 cents. [carrots]

My uncle suffers from sick as hell anemia. [sickle-cell]


Margaret
 

jhnbrbr

New member
I once spent hours at work arguing with a colleague about whether "focusing" or "focussing" was the correct spelling, but I think we finally discovered that both were correct.
 

Dorsetmike

Member
One Sabbath, an Alabama preacher told his flock: "Someone in this
congregation has spread a scurrilous rumour that I am a member of the Ku
Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community
cannot tolerate.

"I am embarrassed, and I do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from our Lord and this
Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued: "Do you have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your
heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet. Then slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a
traffic-stopping body rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quavered as she spoke: "Reverend, there
has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of
the Ku Klux Klan.

"I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared. Hallelujah.
 

jhnbrbr

New member
What friends are for ...

I have a friend who is a psychologist. I was a bit wary of her at first. I thought she would decode my body language and realise just how screwed up I am, but I have found she is far more interested in telling me about her problems!
 

jhnbrbr

New member
Old chinese saying.

If everyone confined their observations to those subjects on which they are qualified to speak, there would be a deathly silence throughout the world.
 

marval

New member
Here are some Psychology quotes.


I don't know what apathy is and I don't care.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

I'm definitely, positively, maybe indecisive.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Our sub-conscious can be one of our most valuable assets.

I am not a violent person and if you say that again, I'll kill you.

It is better to give a man peace of his mind rather than a piece of yours.

I'm beside myself with schizophrenia.


Margaret
 

Dorsetmike

Member
I used to be conceited, now I'm perfect

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous

Doc said I'd got a weak stomach, but I threw up further than anybody else.
 

jhnbrbr

New member
Christmas gift inspiration

It seems to get harder and harder to find something a little different to give as a present. This year I'm offering to pay for some of my friends and family to have a tattoo or body piercing of their choice. Sadly, quite a number have declined. I just hope they're not expecting an alternative gift. If they choose to throw my kindness back in my face, that's their problem.
 

marval

New member
I like it John, would be a good idea. This is an unusual present, if you can put up with it.


Sat Nag is an in-car non-satellite nagging system.

It does everything you would expect from the worst back seat driver in the world.

Press the Sat Nag button to hear deeply irritating phrases from a woman who will drive you round the bend.

Phrases she will blurt out include:

“For the next 30 miles, I’m not going to say a word to you, and you won’t know why. You insensitive b*stard”

“If you don’t slow down and start driving within the speed limit, I’m going to ring the police myself”

“In 50 metres I’m going to apologise for losing the car keys again. But it has only made us half an hour late, so I don’t know what your problem is”

… and they go on and on and on!

Sat Nag is quite simply the quickest route to road rage, and the perfect gift for any long suffering motorist!



Or here are some requests.


Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?
The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!

Can I have a puppy for Christmas?
Certainly not. You can have turkey like everybody else!

Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door.
Yours, Sherlock Holmes
Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Lemon-entry my dear watson.

Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me a musical instrument.
Thank you, Yours A. Fisherman
Father Christmas: That's easy, we'll send him a cast-a-net.

Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes?
Father Christmas: Can't do that one. He hasn't said what size his crocodile takes!

I am nearly bald. This Christmas, could you please send me something to keep my hair in.Father Christmas: Send him a paper bag, and a comb; I'll bet he never parts with it!
 

Dorsetmike

Member
Somebody posted this on another forum, a neighbour had received it and was not best pleased!!

Anyone else and I would be ..
Wishing you a very happy Christmas and a happy New Year
However, as usual, you have made everyone's life a misery in the area, so I won't.
 

jhnbrbr

New member
I think I can do without Sat Nag, thank you Margaret. I've never owned a Sat Nav and don't know much about them, but I've heard that some have a switch so you can decide whether they speak with a man's voice or a woman's voice. Apparently some women change the voice to a man's, because they don't trust another woman to give them directions!

But to atone for that cheap jibe, there was an occasion when I witnessed a minor accident in a car park. One car pulled up suddenly, and the car behind ran into the back of it. An elderly lady emerged from the first car, and a middle-aged woman and her teenage daughter from the second. "The fur's going to fly now" i thought, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Within a couple of minutes of the bump, all three of them were standing together like old chums and they were laughing. If I'd ever doubted it before, I knew it for certain after that -women are the superior sex!
 

marval

New member
Hi John

Our sat nav has a woman's voice, a computerised English voice. The trouble is if you dare to do a detour from where she has told you to go, she comes on and says "recalculating" she is easy to confuse.

I am glad those women took the bump in good heart, I would have expected someone to have been annoyed.

I found this.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh, I love this forum!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"


Margaret
 

marval

New member
Evening Mike, I am lucky no revenge of the sprouts despite having them two days running.

Did you know there is even a book about the sprout.





I hope you had a good Christmas.


Margaret
 
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