Private Thread - Keep Out!

jhnbrbr

New member
There may have been some word association going on in the dark recesses of Mike's brain too. First, talking about an abandoned baby, and then a joke about Moses who was (sort of) abandoned as a baby. Interesting, because I too thought about a different Moses - a lost cat I adopted as a child. My grandfather christened him Moses because we discovered him hiding in the runner beans (we didn't have any bullrushes available).
 

Dorsetmike

Member
[tongue in cheek mode]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "P*ssed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "[****], I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!,” "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
[/tongue in cheek]:rolleyes:

Runs off to hide .........

uhohhide.gif
 

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
I just wasted 9 minutes of my life...

And to prove I watched the whole thing - karp is a Polish word and it's used to describe what you call a common carp. Just thought you might not wanted to know.
 

jhnbrbr

New member
Well I enjoyed it! The soundtrack was from "Tristan und Isolde", of course. Wagner wrote the libretto for the opera, as well as the music. According to Victor Borge, when he'd finished it, he showed it to his wife, his mistress, his mistress's husband, his future mistress and his future mistress's husband - and they all liked it!
 

jhnbrbr

New member
The manager of our local filling station is the laziest man I have ever met. When a customer told him that his tyre pressure machine wasn't working, he ignored them. The next day two or three more customers complained, but he ignored them too. And so it went on. It was only after a whole week had passed, and countless further complaints had been received, that he finally realised he would have to do something about the problem. And so, with much moaning and cursing, he finally got off his backside and placed an "Out of Order" sign on the machine.
 

jhnbrbr

New member
I hope he's still running in that great TV studio in the sky! I was surprised once to learn who was one of Benny Hill's biggest fans - Charles Chaplin!
 

Dorsetmike

Member
A husband and wife go to a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise.

A large wok appears with the lid still on. The wife lifts the lid to serve herself and sees two beady eyes looking at her. She squeeks and drops the lid back onto the wok.

"What's wrong" asks her husband and she points at the wok. He opens the lid slightly and sees the eyes looking at him. He too replaces the lid and calls the waiter over. The waiter looks under the lid then asks them what they ordered.

"Chicken surprise".

The waiter says "Very sorry, you have been given the wrong dish. This is Peeking Duck".

coffee.gif
 

jhnbrbr

New member
... and that reminds me of ...

... the man who went to the butcher and said "I want to buy some meat but I haven't got much money. What would you suggest?"

"I'll sell you a pig's head," replied the butcher, "and if I leave the eyes in, it will see you through the week."
 

jhnbrbr

New member
... which in turn reminds me of ...

... the time I was standing next to a man with a glass eye at the bus stop. When the bus approached, he took out his glass eye and threw it up in the air.

"What did you do that for?" I asked.

"I was checking if there were any empty seats on the top deck." :crazy:
 

marval

New member
HaHa, very funny.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .










It's coming. .









The suspense is killing you, isn't it?














She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
 

marval

New member
How to get barred from diy store B&Q.


Method 1

Gordon Barking was today barred from B&Q shops in the south of England. As he entered the store in Portsmouth the man on the door greeted him by asking if he wanted decking. Gordon, luckily, got the first punch in.

Method 2

When asked if there is a B&Q in Dublin O' Flaherty said he didn't know but that there were two D's in Dundalk.
Method
 
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