Private Thread - Keep Out!

marval

New member
Thank you Soubasse.

Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger ? No, but in the restaurant next door I once saw a man eating chicken.


Margaret
 

Dorsetmike

Member
Where's our John gone? He last posted 12 days ago and I last had a PM a week ago.

Come back John, all is forgiven!!
 

marval

New member
I have decided to open a fish and chip shop and call it "Just For The Halibut." Unless anyone cod think of a batter name for it.


Margaret
 

marval

New member
Well I thought as it was a Brill answer, I would have a Dab at it. I am hoping to give the place some Sole, my little Ray of sunshine.


Margaret
 

Dorsetmike

Member
As long as you don't mack e rel mess of it, else you'll be floundering, then you'll get all crabby. Then we'll all say what the hake, that's a right load of pollacks.
 

marval

New member
HaHa, well what ever I do you will be herring more about it. I won't carp on about it though. Thinking of having music in the shop, must find a piano tuna.


Margaret
 

Dorsetmike

Member
Found the correct name for a malady common to management grades

Proctoheliosis

You know what part of the anatomy a Proctologist deals with, and Helios is greek for sun, go figure.

And in the same run of ideas, there is also a form of government becoming more prevalent

Proctocracy
 

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Marg and Mike, you know, I am getting worried about you two
 

marval

New member
Don't worry about me, I just jumped into the river in Paris and became inseine. It is good to have banter. (batter)


Reasons why I should or should not be proud to be British

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo.


Margaret
 

Dorsetmike

Member
Burn's night aftermath,

(Apologies to Rabbie Burn's and for the scot's dialect)

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonna have tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
Its like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God it disnae reek.
But aww yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty like a sonic boom
God almighty it fairley reeks
Hope I huvnae shat ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aww whit the hell, its no ma worry.
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ya durty buggar they shout and stare
Ah dinnae feel welcome anymair
Where e're ye go let yer wind gan' free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbies party
Oower the sake o' wan wee farty.
 

Dorsetmike

Member
A Medical warning . . . loss of appetite . . .


A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of
toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declined.

'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says
'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declined.

'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asked if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declined again . . . . . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra .
I'm still not hungry.' . . . . .

'Well,' she said, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
 

marval

New member
Very good Mike.


I thought ambulances were for emergencies only, some people obviously didn’t know that according to these emergency phone calls.


I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.

I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.

I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years

I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me.

I am blind in one eye and my leg.

I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.

I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.

I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.

I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.

My husband is dead and will not bring me.

I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.

I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.

I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good.

I cannot come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I cannot come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.


Margaret
 
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