Musical jokes


Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says,

"Very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going on and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant.

"Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts, "What happens when the drumming stops?!"

"Bass solo."


Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Here are some quotes attributed to Frank Zappa, one of America's best musicians, composers, and satirists.
  1. Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
  2. Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe.
  3. Tobacco is my favorite vegetable.
  4. There is no hell. There is only France.
  5. Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up.
  6. Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.
  7. It is always advisable to be a loser if you cannot become a winner.
  8. A mind is like a parachute. It doesnt work if it's not open.
  9. If we can't be free at least we can be cheap.
  10. Sometimes you got to get sick before you can feel better.
  11. You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.
  12. There will never be a nuclear war; there's too much real estate involved.
  13. Consider for a moment any beauty in the name Ralph.
  14. Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?
  15. Outdoors for me is walking from the car to the ticket desk at the airport
  16. You drank beer, you played golf, you watched football - WE EVOLVED!
  17. You have just destroyed one model XQJ-37 nuclear powered pansexual roto-plooker....and you're gonna have to pay for it.
  18. Interviewer: "So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?"
    FZ: "You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"
  19. Without deviation from the norm, 'progress' is not possible.
  20. Who are the brain police?
  21. The people of your century no longer require the service of composers.
    A composer is as useful to a person in a jogging suit as a dinsoaur turd in the middle of his runway.
  22. There are more love songs than anything else.
    If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.
  23. Hey, you know something people? I'm not black, but there's a whole lots a times I wish I could say I'm not white.
  24. Most people wouldn't know good music if it came up and bit them in the ass.
  25. Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.
  26. There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
  27. There are three things that smell of fish. One of them is fish. The other two are growing on you!
  28. May your I love this forum come to life and kiss you on the face.
  29. Let's not be too rough on our own ignorance, it's what makes America great.
  30. Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is THE BEST.
  31. Beauty is a pair of shoes that makes you wanna die.
  32. The creation and destruction of harmonic and 'statistical' tensions is essential to the maintenance of compositional drama. Any composition (or improvisation) which remains consonant and 'regular' throughout is, for me, equivalent to watching a movie with only 'good guys' in it, or eating cottage cheese.


Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Hi Intet

Some of those are funny.

Thank you from Zoot.


Ms. Margaret :tiphat:

Is Zoot a Zappa fan as well? Kinda like Zoot better and better :lol::lol::lol::lol::clap::clap::clap::clap: Well if he is, he will remember the saxophone player from the Mothers - Napoleon Murphy Brock.

I really dig some of these quotes from Frank Zappa:

Interviewer: "So you have long hair Frank. Does that make you a woman?".
FZ: "You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?", remembering what sort of incredibly stupid questions interviewers can ask a rock celebrity.

During the 1970´s I attended all Frank Zappa concerts in Denmark, like with Santana - 7 concerts in all.

Have a great weekend the two of you, hopefully bathing in sunshine.


New member
Hi Intet

Yes Zoot is a Zappa fan, any one whose name begins with Z.

You have a great weekend too, not sure what the weather will be yet.



Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Hi Intet

Yes Zoot is a Zappa fan, any one whose name begins with Z.

You have a great weekend too, not sure what the weather will be yet.


Ms. Margaret :tiphat::clap::banana::trp:

Here are a few jokes by Frank Zappa for you guys. Frank, who was not a great fan of banjo players:

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?

The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?

"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall:

"Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."


New member
A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.

He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor.
The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"

The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"


Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Goodness!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen ..."


New member
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.


Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Frank Zappa about drummers:

Q: – What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?
A: – A Drummer

Q: How many drummers can you fit in a phone booth?
A: None, "There's not enough room in there man!!"

If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A: The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q: Why do guitarists put drum sticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Q: Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up!"
A: Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both!"

Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it


New member
Teacher: "What are you favourite songs?"
Pupil: "I have five of them, Three blind mice and Tea for two.


Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)

Some good drummer jokes there.


Ms. Margaret and Zoot - Cheerio :tiphat:

As drummer Ainsley Dunbar (the UK) would have stated it while performing the Frank Zappa album "Fillmore East Live", 1969: Hey babe, that´s some fine looking kit. Let´s smoke some grass, and I´ll show you how they sound.

Actually Ms. Margaret - This kind of drum set is a typical set for a Rock drummer or less standard, not Ainsley Dunbar like, nor Billy Cobham.

But I smiiiiiled and felt happy, when I saw them. What´s good enough for you is good enough for me, and now for the musical jokes:

How do you tune four oboes?
Shoot three of them.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

How do you tell a soprano from a pyrhana?
The jewelry.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twenty, one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink beer till the room spins.

What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
A Metronome.

What has three legs and a butt on top?
A drum stool.

What's the definition of optimistic?
A trombone player who carries a mobile.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're not really, it's just that violinists' heads are bigger.

How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.