Musical jokes

marval

New member
Jeremy walked into a shop, which sold musical instruments and bought a very expensive mouth organ.

As the shopkeeper wrapped up the instrument he said, 'You know is this is quite amazing. We normally don't sell many mouth organs, but this is the second one I've sold today.'

'Oh,' remarked Jeremy, 'that must have been our Monica'
 

marval

New member
Why wasn't J.S. Bach at the classical concert?
Because he was Baroque.


HAYDN'S CHOPIN LISZT AT VIVALDI'S:

Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
marshMahlers
Honey-nut Berlioz
Cui-tips
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Clemen-TEA
Little Debussy snack cakes



 

marval

New member
Definitions.

Bassoon: a bedpost with a bad case of gas.

Beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments.

Concert: a place where people go to cough and sneeze.

Conductor: Someone who is able to follow many people at once.

Counterpoint: a favourite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established.

Cut time: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

Drummer: someone who hangs around with musicians.

Fermata: a brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.

Half step: two piccolos playing in unison.

Male quartet: three men and a tenor.

Oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

Octave: an interval having eight diatonic steps or twelve chromatic steps (fifteen when sung by a tenor).

Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves.

Pitch: a tossing motion frequently used by band students to hand in music.

Trombone: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.
 

marval

New member
A drummer tried to teach himself to play the flute.
After practicing for months, he still could not get a good tone from it.
He finally decided that he was hitting it too hard with the stick.


Margaret
 

marval

New member
Commandments for Concert Goers:
I
Thou shalt hearken unto the music with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and all thy mind, to aid thee in thine endeavour. Study thou thy program notes and hereby be sore fully prepared to garner the blessings of the inspired melodies which are about to be sounded.

II
Thou shalt not arrive late, for the stir of thy coming disturbeth those who did come in due season; neither shalt thou rush forth as a great wind at intermission time or before the end of the program; nor shalt thou trample to thy left nor thy right the ushers or the doormen or the multitudes that are about thee.

III
Thou shalt keep in check thy coughings and thy sneezings for they are an abomination, and they shall bring forth evil execrations upon thee and thy household, even unto the third and fourth generations.

IV
Thou shalt not rustle thy program for the noise thereof is not as the murmur of the leaves of the forest but brash and raucous and soothest not.

V
Thou shalt not "yahoo" unto thy relatives, nor to thy friends, nor to any member of thy lodge or of thy household, nor to any of thy neighbours.

VI
Thou shalt not whisper, for thy mouthings, howsoever hushed they may be, bring discord to the ear of those who sit about thee.

VII
Thou shalt not chew gum with great show of sound or motion. Remember that thou art not as the kind of the meadow who do chew the cud in the pastoral serenity which is vouchsafed them.

VIII
Thou shalt not direct thy index finger at persons of public note and say unto thy neighbour, "Yonder goeth so and so," but reflect that some day thou shalt perchance be a celebrity, and thou shalt be in great discomfort when thou art pointed at and thou shalt not be pleased one jot or tittle thereby.

IX
Thou shalt not slumber, for in thy stupor thou hast ears and heareth not; peradventures thou possesseth a rumbling obligato when thou sleepeth, and verily, the rabble may be aroused thereby to do thee grievous harm.

X
Thou shalt not become a self-ordained music critic and with booming voice comment garrulously about the players or the playing; neither shalt thou hum, or tap thy foot; for thou hast come as a listener and a lover of music, not as a critic nor as a performer, and remember that none among the multitudes has paid admission to hear thy hummings or thy tapings or to listen unto thine opinion.


 

Corno Dolce

Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
GrandDame Margaret,

How very sage advice :up::up::up::up::up::up::up:

Best always,

CD :tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat:
 

marval

New member
Sage advice ndeed CD, I am going to see The Danish Quartet in February. I shall heed the advice.


Margaret
 

marval

New member
So there's this Japanese man watching a jazz band. In the interval
he goes up to the guitarist and says 'Can you play - jazz chord?'

The guitarist says 'Yeah, how about Cmaj9', and plays the chord.
'Velly nice', says the Japanese, 'but can you play- jazz chord?'

The guitarist thinks for a moment and says 'Ok,how about Bb9+6?', and plays the chord.

The Japanese says 'Velly nice, but can you play -jazz chord?'

The guitarist is a bit perplexed by now, so he says 'I'm sorry - I don't understand what you mean'.

'You know', says the Japanese and starts to sing, 'I jazz chord, to say, I love you
 

Dorsetmike

New member
Can you sing tenor ... ... like tenor fifteen miles away

Alternatively

Can you sing "Over the Hills and Far Away" ... ... the farther the better
 

marval

New member
Thanks Bill, I like yours Mike.


Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."


Margaret
 

carrozze

New member
Naomi sei fantastica! ex violinist, hung out with bassonists, mother a violist and father an oboist--and I'm the worst of all, a Wagnerian soprano!
drummers have it easy in comparison!
Thanks for the fun!
 
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