Colorful Mage
New member
Let me begin this post by saying that I am physically very healthy - I do not have any physical problem sleeping.
I do have a mental problem. Many nights (including tonight - this is why I'm typing this) I lay down, and I try to imagine blankness. And then I get this horrible feeling. I feel that once I go to sleep, I will die. I'm very alive right now, so alive that I feel every tiny sensation around me. But I am so happy right now that I can't go to sleep. Because... when I wake up, that's later. Sleep puts life temporarily on hold; I cannot live while I'm sleeping, but I can't live without sleep. When I wake up, I will be different. I won't be the me that I am now. Like the phoenix of old lore, I will die in my sleep and be reborn as a figure only slightly resembling myself.
I don't know why this is - I feel so powerful, so alive right now that I can't go to sleep. What guarantee have I that I will indeed wake up in the morning, refreshed and alive? How can I possibly willingly die and be reborn? I cannot. I thought I had accepted death, but yet I am scared to go to sleep?
I guess I should specify - I am not scared that I will die in my sleep, per ce, but rather that I will be left with an empty feeling. I feel that any energy within me will be lost upon slumber, and the me that experiences the rest of my life will be a complete stranger.
Sorry; now I'm repeating myself over again. But this is a serious problem for me. What should I do?
I do have a mental problem. Many nights (including tonight - this is why I'm typing this) I lay down, and I try to imagine blankness. And then I get this horrible feeling. I feel that once I go to sleep, I will die. I'm very alive right now, so alive that I feel every tiny sensation around me. But I am so happy right now that I can't go to sleep. Because... when I wake up, that's later. Sleep puts life temporarily on hold; I cannot live while I'm sleeping, but I can't live without sleep. When I wake up, I will be different. I won't be the me that I am now. Like the phoenix of old lore, I will die in my sleep and be reborn as a figure only slightly resembling myself.
I don't know why this is - I feel so powerful, so alive right now that I can't go to sleep. What guarantee have I that I will indeed wake up in the morning, refreshed and alive? How can I possibly willingly die and be reborn? I cannot. I thought I had accepted death, but yet I am scared to go to sleep?
I guess I should specify - I am not scared that I will die in my sleep, per ce, but rather that I will be left with an empty feeling. I feel that any energy within me will be lost upon slumber, and the me that experiences the rest of my life will be a complete stranger.
Sorry; now I'm repeating myself over again. But this is a serious problem for me. What should I do?