The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Dorsetmike
Member
Did you hear about the hippy raid on a bird sanctuary
They didn't leave a tern unstoned.
They didn't leave a tern unstoned.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you..'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
!.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',
he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you..'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat
!.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
marval
New member
HaHa CT, I like it.
Two owls are sat having a beer in a pub. One turns to the other and says, "By the way, I got married last week". The second one says, "You twit, to who?"
An inscription problem
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
Two owls are sat having a beer in a pub. One turns to the other and says, "By the way, I got married last week". The second one says, "You twit, to who?"
An inscription problem
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake, he finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 100 kg. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."
tish boom
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 100 kg. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."
tish boom
Dorsetmike
Member
A man sat in a restaurant gets hit on the back of his head with a prawn cocktail.
He looks around and a bloke says ......
"and that's just for starters"
He looks around and a bloke says ......
"and that's just for starters"
marval
New member
lol have heard it before.
"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."
"Pool balls?" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the trouble.
What kind do you eat?"
"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens."
Margaret
"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."
"Pool balls?" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the trouble.
What kind do you eat?"
"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens."
Margaret
Dorsetmike
Member
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED PERSON.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He has
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED PERSON.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
(Loved this one!)
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He has
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
marval
New member
Good one Mike, I like them.
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"How do you get along with the other students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terribly noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald!" says his mother. "How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them and sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Margaret
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"How do you get along with the other students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terribly noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald!" says his mother. "How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them and sit here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Margaret
oliver
New member
Just for laughter :
MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
Muthu : '13th October.'
Interviewer : 'Which year?'
Muthu : 'Every year.'
*****
*MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview.....
'Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O-X.'
*****
*MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like! a foreigner?'
Wife: 'No! Why?'
Muthu : 'In London , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that'swhy.'
Wife : ?????????
*****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
Muthu said, 'No sir, only babies were born here.'
*****
*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one legand told it to 'WALK! WALK!'
The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it'ssecond leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off its fourth leg andordered it walk!
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'
*****
*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, thedriver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.'
*****
*MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard
'* WASH BASIN * '
*****
*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it'son fire. How will you escape?'
Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination.'
*****
MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*
Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
Muthu : '13th October.'
Interviewer : 'Which year?'
Muthu : 'Every year.'
*****
*MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*
The Manager asked Muthu at an interview.....
'Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O-X.'
*****
*MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like! a foreigner?'
Wife: 'No! Why?'
Muthu : 'In London , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that'swhy.'
Wife : ?????????
*****
*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
Muthu said, 'No sir, only babies were born here.'
*****
*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one legand told it to 'WALK! WALK!'
The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it'ssecond leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off its fourth leg andordered it walk!
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'
*****
*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, thedriver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.'
*****
*MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard
'* WASH BASIN * '
*****
*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it'son fire. How will you escape?'
Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination.'
*****
Last edited:
marval
New member
Richard III is alive and well, and is running a camping and outdoor shop in Wales.
During the bad weather, sales in the store have dropped dramatically.
To get more customers in the shop he has decided to hold a massive sale.
The promotion is called...Now is the winter of our discount tents.
Margaret
During the bad weather, sales in the store have dropped dramatically.
To get more customers in the shop he has decided to hold a massive sale.
The promotion is called...Now is the winter of our discount tents.
Margaret
wljmrbill
Member
THat is a great saying Marvel.Funny..... Here is one for Easter Bunny.. Very funny..
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Fpr You!
http://terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.swf
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Fpr You!
http://terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.swf
[/FONT]
Dorsetmike
Member
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.
(Probably best understood by UK members, apologies to the rest of you)
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;
'Vote for GORDON BROWN! Vote for GORDON BROWN!'
Snow White fell to her knees, praying, 'Oh, Thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive....!'
(Probably best understood by UK members, apologies to the rest of you)
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;
'Vote for GORDON BROWN! Vote for GORDON BROWN!'
Snow White fell to her knees, praying, 'Oh, Thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive....!'
Dorsetmike
Member
This is mythical and deep...
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .
.. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .
.. . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"
marval
New member
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a partner. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, "Buy a television."
Margaret
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, "Buy a television."
Margaret