The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
teddy
Duckmeister
An odd job man goes to a house looking for work. "Here is a tin of paint and a brush" says the owner. "Go round the back and paint the porch. If you make a good job I will give you some more work."
Two hours later the odd job man is a the front door again. "I've finished and I think you will be really pleased. I'ge given it a good rub down and two coats. Bye the way you were wrong. Its a Mercedes not a porche."
Two hours later the odd job man is a the front door again. "I've finished and I think you will be really pleased. I'ge given it a good rub down and two coats. Bye the way you were wrong. Its a Mercedes not a porche."
marval
New member
A farmer discovers overnight his sheepdog can talk, so to check it's intelligence, he asks the dog to count his sheep. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back.
'So,' says the farmer. 'How many sheep were there?'
'40,' replies the dog.
'You're not so clever then!' exclaims the farmer. 'I only bought 39!'
'I know,' says the dog. 'But I rounded them up.'
'So,' says the farmer. 'How many sheep were there?'
'40,' replies the dog.
'You're not so clever then!' exclaims the farmer. 'I only bought 39!'
'I know,' says the dog. 'But I rounded them up.'
marval
New member
Thank you Teddy and Rojo, it is good to be back.
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck on Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
Margaret
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck on Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
Margaret
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
droll Margaret, very droll!
marval
New member
This letter was sent to the head teacher of a local school, after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the local senior citizens.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize, and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to humankind. Please forward it to anyone who needs cheering up.
Dear head teacher
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won, at your recent senior citizens lunch.
I am 84 years old and live at the Golden Years old people's home. All of my family have passed away, and I am all alone. I want to thank you for your kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 years old and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, not even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the bedside cabinet, and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to "go away."
Thank you for that opportunity.
Yours Sincerely
Edna
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize, and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to humankind. Please forward it to anyone who needs cheering up.
Dear head teacher
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won, at your recent senior citizens lunch.
I am 84 years old and live at the Golden Years old people's home. All of my family have passed away, and I am all alone. I want to thank you for your kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 years old and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, not even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the bedside cabinet, and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to "go away."
Thank you for that opportunity.
Yours Sincerely
Edna
Soubasse
New member
(^^ Ah yes, I remember that one, except the version I heard had the "go away" delivered in a somehwat more coarse vernacular! 
)
A village Medical Centre and Surgery is audited once again by the Tax Office, the latter of whom are convinced that the former is up to something because their profits and losses were always consistently sound. Naturally, the Tax Office wanted to try and catch them out, so the Auditor was persistently on at the Director about any trifling little things and eventually got onto him about surplus materials and waste.
"I notice there are a lot of cardboard rolls left over from bandages" quizzed the Audiitor.
"Ah, we have a substantial recycling drive here," replied the Director, "All the cardboard rolls are sent to a recycling plant and are re-used by the same supplier for more bandages"
"What's in that tub there? That looks like some sort of waste" continued the Auditor.
"Yes, that's left-over plaster from plaster casts," said the Director, "That too is recycled and re-used by the same supplier for more plaster."
The Auditor noticed another container of some suspicious looking fleshy bits. "What on earth are those?" he asked
"Ah, those are the leftover tips from circumcisions." answered the Director.
The Auditor looked surprised: "You're not going to tell me you re-cycle those as well??"
"We certainly do. We send them off to the Tax Office, and then each year they manage to send us a complete dick."
)A village Medical Centre and Surgery is audited once again by the Tax Office, the latter of whom are convinced that the former is up to something because their profits and losses were always consistently sound. Naturally, the Tax Office wanted to try and catch them out, so the Auditor was persistently on at the Director about any trifling little things and eventually got onto him about surplus materials and waste.
"I notice there are a lot of cardboard rolls left over from bandages" quizzed the Audiitor.
"Ah, we have a substantial recycling drive here," replied the Director, "All the cardboard rolls are sent to a recycling plant and are re-used by the same supplier for more bandages"
"What's in that tub there? That looks like some sort of waste" continued the Auditor.
"Yes, that's left-over plaster from plaster casts," said the Director, "That too is recycled and re-used by the same supplier for more plaster."
The Auditor noticed another container of some suspicious looking fleshy bits. "What on earth are those?" he asked
"Ah, those are the leftover tips from circumcisions." answered the Director.
The Auditor looked surprised: "You're not going to tell me you re-cycle those as well??"
"We certainly do. We send them off to the Tax Office, and then each year they manage to send us a complete dick."
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Soubasse
New member
A call comes in to the Mayo Clinic hot line: “Hello, this is Dr. Swavorski in Krakow. I am requesting a consult.”
“Go ahead,” comes the reply.
“ I’m treating a patient who is a bit of a anomaly; this man has five left legs and five right legs. I’ve diagnosed him as having a venereal disease.”
“Sorry,” came the response, “We wouldn’t touch that ten-foot Pole with a case.”
“Go ahead,” comes the reply.
“ I’m treating a patient who is a bit of a anomaly; this man has five left legs and five right legs. I’ve diagnosed him as having a venereal disease.”
“Sorry,” came the response, “We wouldn’t touch that ten-foot Pole with a case.”
Dorsetmike
Member
A hockey player appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal.
"What exactly was it that she threw into the canal" asked the magistrate.
"Stones, sir."
"Well, that's hardly an offence is it?"
"It was in this case, sir," said the police officer. "Ms Stones was the referee".
"What exactly was it that she threw into the canal" asked the magistrate.
"Stones, sir."
"Well, that's hardly an offence is it?"
"It was in this case, sir," said the police officer. "Ms Stones was the referee".
marval
New member
Farmer John lived on a busy road; the traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the police and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." So the next day road workers go out and erect a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the road workers came and put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called every day for three weeks. Finally, he told them, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" "Sure thing, put up your own sign." They were going to let him do anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. Then they had no more calls.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of them and they called Farmer John. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I have to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. They were curious now and thought, "We’d better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that we could use to slow down drivers."
So they drove out to Farmer John's house, and found this sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for the chicks.
So one day Farmer John called the police and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." So the next day road workers go out and erect a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the road workers came and put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called every day for three weeks. Finally, he told them, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" "Sure thing, put up your own sign." They were going to let him do anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. Then they had no more calls.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of them and they called Farmer John. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I have to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. They were curious now and thought, "We’d better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that we could use to slow down drivers."
So they drove out to Farmer John's house, and found this sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for the chicks.