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Thread: Private Thread - Keep Out!

  1. #571
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    That's a bit deep John.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  2. #572
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Here are some Psychology quotes.


    I don't know what apathy is and I don't care.

    Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

    I'm definitely, positively, maybe indecisive.

    I can live for two months on a good compliment.

    Our sub-conscious can be one of our most valuable assets.

    I am not a violent person and if you say that again, I'll kill you.

    It is better to give a man peace of his mind rather than a piece of yours.

    I'm beside myself with schizophrenia.


    Margaret

  3. #573
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    I used to be conceited, now I'm perfect

    I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure

    I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous

    Doc said I'd got a weak stomach, but I threw up further than anybody else.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  4. #574
    Commodore con Forza
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    Christmas gift inspiration

    It seems to get harder and harder to find something a little different to give as a present. This year I'm offering to pay for some of my friends and family to have a tattoo or body piercing of their choice. Sadly, quite a number have declined. I just hope they're not expecting an alternative gift. If they choose to throw my kindness back in my face, that's their problem.

  5. #575
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    I like it John, would be a good idea. This is an unusual present, if you can put up with it.


    Sat Nag is an in-car non-satellite nagging system.

    It does everything you would expect from the worst back seat driver in the world.

    Press the Sat Nag button to hear deeply irritating phrases from a woman who will drive you round the bend.

    Phrases she will blurt out include:

    “For the next 30 miles, I’m not going to say a word to you, and you won’t know why. You insensitive b*stard”

    “If you don’t slow down and start driving within the speed limit, I’m going to ring the police myself”

    “In 50 metres I’m going to apologise for losing the car keys again. But it has only made us half an hour late, so I don’t know what your problem is”

    … and they go on and on and on!

    Sat Nag is quite simply the quickest route to road rage, and the perfect gift for any long suffering motorist!



    Or here are some requests.


    Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?
    The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!

    Can I have a puppy for Christmas?
    Certainly not. You can have turkey like everybody else!

    Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door.
    Yours, Sherlock Holmes
    Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
    Lemon-entry my dear watson.

    Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me a musical instrument.
    Thank you, Yours A. Fisherman
    Father Christmas: That's easy, we'll send him a cast-a-net.

    Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes?
    Father Christmas: Can't do that one. He hasn't said what size his crocodile takes!

    I am nearly bald. This Christmas, could you please send me something to keep my hair in.Father Christmas: Send him a paper bag, and a comb; I'll bet he never parts with it!

  6. #576
    Vice Admiral Virtuoso Dorsetmike's Avatar
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    Somebody posted this on another forum, a neighbour had received it and was not best pleased!!

    Anyone else and I would be ..
    Wishing you a very happy Christmas and a happy New Year
    However, as usual, you have made everyone's life a misery in the area, so I won't.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  7. #577
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    I think I can do without Sat Nag, thank you Margaret. I've never owned a Sat Nav and don't know much about them, but I've heard that some have a switch so you can decide whether they speak with a man's voice or a woman's voice. Apparently some women change the voice to a man's, because they don't trust another woman to give them directions!

    But to atone for that cheap jibe, there was an occasion when I witnessed a minor accident in a car park. One car pulled up suddenly, and the car behind ran into the back of it. An elderly lady emerged from the first car, and a middle-aged woman and her teenage daughter from the second. "The fur's going to fly now" i thought, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Within a couple of minutes of the bump, all three of them were standing together like old chums and they were laughing. If I'd ever doubted it before, I knew it for certain after that -women are the superior sex!

  8. #578
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Hi John

    Our sat nav has a woman's voice, a computerised English voice. The trouble is if you dare to do a detour from where she has told you to go, she comes on and says "recalculating" she is easy to confuse.

    I am glad those women took the bump in good heart, I would have expected someone to have been annoyed.

    I found this.

    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

    They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh, ****!"

    Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"


    Margaret

  9. #579
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    Mornin' all, suffering from revenge of the sprouts, running out of air freshener.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  10. #580
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Evening Mike, I am lucky no revenge of the sprouts despite having them two days running.

    Did you know there is even a book about the sprout.





    I hope you had a good Christmas.


    Margaret

  11. #581
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    Maybe cos I had peas as well.

    I had what one might call a quiet Christmas albeit solitary.

    I don't mind carols at Christmas but some of the "arrangements" and carol symphonies etc do get up the nose a bit, why can't they leave them alone.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  12. #582
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    There was just the two of us, we just had a quiet Christmas. Managed not to watch any television, we went to a friends today for a lovely roast lamb meal.

    Now picture the scene, our friend was supposed to feed a friend's cat. He was given two keys for her front door, unfortunately one of the keys was the wrong one. There was no way that key was going to work, poor kitty inside meowing for food. After our meal he decided the only way to feed the cat was to fill an ice cube tray with lamb and potato mixture. He attached some string in the holes of the tray, and off we all went. We put the ice cube tray through the letter box, and hoped that it landed right way up and that kitty managed to eat their food. You couldn't make it up.


    Margaret

  13. #583
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    Only one of me here, never watch TV anyway, chatted with various friends on Skype and MSN, kept an eye on the forums I subscribe to. Just another day except for the turkey and christmas pud.

    Probably my next "live" conversation will be at the supermarket checkout next week.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

  14. #584
    Admiral Maestoso marval's Avatar
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    Well I am glad that you had turkey and Christmas pud Mike. At least you were able to chat to friends. I quite often find that the most chatting I do is when I am shopping.


    Margaret

  15. #585
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    My on line chatting, MSN and Skype, is normally text IMs, what I would term "live" chat/conversation is usually when shopping.
    Cheers MIKE.

    How many roads must a man walk down ... ... before he admits he's lost?

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